What all the middle-class twats are actually doing in their sheds

THE latest status symbol for smug middle-class dickheads is a shed at the bottom of the garden they can ‘work’ in. But what are they actually doing? 

Julian Cook, summerhouse, Market Drayton

“We bought a summerhouse so I could carry on with my £80k a year role as a branding rights consultant from home. It’s insulated, double-glazed and has a wood-burning stove. The kids aren’t allowed in it. It’s hidden by trees. I go to the house twice a day when I absolutely have to.”

Grace Wood-Morris, beach hut, Bangor-on-Dee

“I insisted my husband provide me with a separate space for my handicrafts business, so I’ve got this lovely cosy beach hut. It’s such a calm, reassuring, affluent space that on the first day I came down, I had a wank. And the second day. And every day thereafter.”

Susan Traherne, pagoda, Llanbedr

“The neighbours had a summerhouse delivered so we one-upped them with a hexagonal pagoda of sustainable cedar. It’s linked to all our wildlife cameras, which are pointed at the neighbours’ garden, and I sit in there and watch them obsessively day and night in case they get something else we haven’t got.”

Joseph Turner, luxury garden pod, Hackney

“This lockdown has brought everyone back in touch with their roots, so about eight times a day I like to stroll down here, close the sliding doors and inhale a bong full of weed. It really relaxes me. I can’t even remember what I used to do as a job. I’ve started dealing.”

David Cameron, shepherd’s hut, Chipping Norton

“I’ve f**ked my career up so badly that my wife’s thrown me out of the house. I screwed up my last proper job by gambling and losing, I wrote a book nobody bought, I can’t get work as a consultant and everyone hates me. I’ve made a total bollocks of my entire life. Still, nice hut isn’t it? All the colours are Farrow & Ball.”

Farmers and fishermen urged to pay attention to how farming and fishing works

FARMERS and fishermen outraged about Brexit disruption should have learned the basics about who they sell products to, experts have advised. 

With meat and fish rotting at ports, the Institute for Studies has suggested food producers should have Googled questions like ‘What is an export?’, ‘Where do pigs go after I put them in the lorry?’ and ‘Do fish go off?’

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Well, I guess now is as good a time as any to learn about the job you’ve been doing for decades in a magical journey of discovery.

“Believe it or not, products going to other countries need checks by ‘customs officers’. You can’t just stick sheep in a Land Rover and sell them in Belgium. Well, you used to be able to, but not now. Remember there was a ‘customs union’? You didn’t like it?

“And crabs. Did you know they don’t fill in their own phytosanitary certificates allowing them to be exported? I did, but then I’m not a fisherman.”

Farmer Wayne Hayes said: “I went on the laptop and it turns out Brits don’t buy 2,000 hogs to make into salami and knackwurst, and that all this time I’ve been selling to Italians and Germans. Marcello and Klaus never mentioned it.

“Of course, all this could still be Project Fear. They’re sneaky.”