Five ways to convince yourself the front-facing camera is lying

FIRED up your phone’s front-facing camera only for it to display your face in an unflattering light? Brush off the reality it’s showing you with these lies.

It’s the lens’ fault

Despite knowing nothing about how cameras work, you’re positive that the curve of the lens or its field of vision is to blame for your face’s multiple chins and boss-eyed expression. It’s all to do with the curvature of the image or something. Weirdly the rear-facing camera makes you look shit, too. Manufacturers should really sort out this glaring hardware problem.

The lighting’s bad

No, you do not have a disgusting, gormless face. The problem here is that the light is coming from a weird angle and it’s too intense for the camera to pick up your very subtle beauty. Luckily, fixing this issue is easy. Simply move to a pitch-black location, deactivate the flash, and you’ll instantly look much better.

You’re holding it too close

Everything looks better from far away, especially your solid five out of ten face. Front-facing cameras only make you look bad because they’re often held so close that they can see right up your nose and pick up every peach fuzz hair growing above your top lip. To get better results, always hold your phone at arm’s length and never risk opening the camera app again.

The focus is f**ked

Front-facing cameras won’t focus on anything unless you touch the screen, meaning the many facets of your otherwise attractive face cancel each other out. And while this is definitely true, don’t put it to the test by honing in on your dazzling eyes or radiant smile. You’ll have to make up another lie about why being in focus is actually a bad thing as well.

You don’t normally look like that

Of course you don’t. You look absolutely stunning according to your imagination and your lying friends. Highly-advanced front-facing cameras just have a defect that only becomes apparent when they’re pointed at your face, that’s all. It’s a similar issue that crops up whenever you’re snapped by other people, whether that’s digitally or on film. One day technology will catch up with your good looks, but not today.

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10 new bullshit health tips that are basically old bullshit health tips

THE wellness industry loves to rehash the same tired advice every few years to flog a book. Here ‘health expert’ Nathan Muir reveals the latest old tips for you to follow.

Do some exercise

Not proper exercise like going for a run or doing a plank. No. I’m talking new bullshit exercises like kickboxing on the beach at night or rock climbing blindfolded. These contain loads of secret benefits but also make everyone rightfully hate you.

Eat a magic superfood

Pomegranates have had their time in the sun. Hemp seeds are old hat. Instead you need to regularly feast on a new superfood that has been approved by a committee of twats. We’re thinking dragon fruit or black radishes, whichever can make us the most money.

Give up sugar

Did you know sugar is actually really bad for you? Simply cut out this pesky ingredient which is in every single food from Mini Twirls to apples and you’ll feel healthier and malnourished in no time.

Get lots of sleep

It’s a little-known fact that eight hours of sleep works wonders for your body. But for the sake of repackaging this wellness secret, I recommend splitting it into two four-hour blocks and going for a quick run in between. That’s bound to be much better for you, probably, maybe.

Control your portions

Remarkably, research has shown that stuffing your face with cakes is fine so long as it’s only a small part of an overall balanced diet. The key to being healthy is to reduce the amount of everything that makes life worth living until you yearn for the sweet release of death.

Socialise with friends

Want to boost your mood as well as your body? The radical concept of ‘hanging out with friends’ is a great way to do this. That’s unless you all secretly hate each other, which you probably do, in which case you should become a friendless recluse. Oh, you’re already doing that? Well done!

Have lots of sex

Sex reduces stress in the body and produces the bonding hormone oxytocin, unless your partner has got morning breath in which case you’ll be repulsed. Play it safe by hooking up with the one person who’s guaranteed to make you come: yourself.

Do an overnight fast

Rather than stuffing oily, salty snacks into your mouth at midnight, try a strange new concept called ‘not eating Doritos in bed’. People from Japan and Italy are already doing this, and they live way longer than everyone else so it must work.

Breathe deeply

There are many benefits to breathing, such as oxygenating your blood and stopping you from dying. Therefore big gulps of air are bound to make you feel even more healthy than people who make standard-size inhalations. Or it’ll make you feel bloated. One of the two.

Drink weird powder

Concerned that everything on this list requires effort and action? Don’t panic. Simply order my special micro-nutrient health powder which works wonders for your gut. It’s available from my website now at just £98.99 per gram!