Flavour of Irn-Bru shrouded in mystery

NOBODY knows what the flavour of Irn-Bru is supposed to be, it has emerged.

After five years researching the taste of Scotland’s favourite non-alcoholic drink, the best description experts could manage is ‘fizzy’.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “We didn’t set out to prove that it’s a bad drink because it’s not, it’s actually quite refreshing. Especially if you’ve got a hangover.

“We just wanted to find out what it’s flavour is. And we are totally stumped.

“Besides being fizzy, one might describe it as ‘orange without actually tasting like orange’, ‘lemonade without tasting like lemons’ and ‘sugary fire.’

“It’s good that such an ambiguous product can thrive in an era obsessed with food provenance.”

Former Irn-Bru factory worker Roy Hobbs believes the drink may be extra-terrestrial in origin.

“They have a warehouse and it’s full of these huge knobbly rusty-coloured fruit, like the pods in Invasion of the Body Snatchers. You can see things moving inside them.

“They get shoved into a pulping machine and Irn-Bru comes out. Nobody knows where they came from, people who ask questions tend to die soon afterwards.”

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Workers advised to overpower boss and take the money

BRITISH workers in need of a pay rise could simply take it by force, it has been claimed.

As the government urged employers to share the spoils of economic recovery, office workers in Sheffield secured a pay rise simply by pinning their boss to the ground.

Administrator Tom Booker said: “I asked for a below-inflation pay rise and he said ‘we’ll see about next year, things have been a bit tough’. Which is weird because he bought his wife a new Mercedes coupe last month.

“A bunch of us were chatting and we were like, he’s not physically strong and there’s loads of us.

“We just pinned him to the floor and threatened to drop a printer on his head. Pretty much straight away he said we could all have a pay rise.

“Obviously the money was there all along. People soon change their minds when it looks like you are going to kill them.”

Booker’s colleague Julian Cook said: “It was like Rise of the Planet of the Apes, but with people instead of apes.

“I would recommend staging a workplace revolution. No boss can really tell the police because they all break the law on a regular basis.

“Best of the all the drinks machine is on permanent free vend now – even for soup which was previously 80p.”