Foul-Tempered Robots To Act As Elderly Companions

ROBOTS who dislike foreigners and other people's cats are being sold as companions for the elderly.

The Geriatron 9000 is equipped with a selection of far-right opinions and a detailed knowledge of cake.

Its range of built-in conversation topics include the prices. soup ingredients, how the new girl on Countdown isn't as good, and why on earth the people next door don't trim their hedge back.

The machine also comes with a number of mechanical complaints such as a leaking valve, rusting terminals and how that Pakistani doctor made its failing visual sensors even worse.

Inventor Tom Logan said: "Not only is the UK's population ageing dramatically, but most old people are so vile and obstreperous that no human should have to spend time in their company.

"The 9000 provides the perfect companion for your elderly relatives while simultaneously assuaging your guilt about leaving them to rot in some hell hole and only visiting them for ten minutes every fourth Easter."

Audrey Pendennis, an 83 year-old Geriatron owner from Surrey, said: "Normally I hate everything as a matter of principle.

"But I don't mind this shiny metal man too much. He's racist and doesn't foof. Having him has made my life a bit better, although on balance I'd still rather be dead."

The Geriatron 9000 retails for the precise amount of cash in the Family Circle biscuit tin under the bed and comes in a range of finishes including brass, woodchip and shortbread.

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Abramovich Forced To Buy Other Types Of Human

CHELSEA owner Roman Abramovich may be forced to buy other types of human being following the club's 18 month transfer ban.

Since 2003, the Russian tycoon has invested millions on football players, believing them to be life-sized Franklin Mint collectibles.

He is understood to particularly annoyed as he was just a Franck Ribery away from completing his 'Over-Priced Frenchmen' set.

But sources close to Abramovich said he is now considering a zoo containing Oscar winners from the last 20 years or a 'living' wax museum of Nobel laureates.

A Stamford Bridge insider said: "Like any parent he wants his children to be able to spend their free time feeding tit-bits to Tom Hanks and Denzel Washington and giving their little friends a ride on Daniel Day Lewis."

The source added: "But of course his dream is to buy Nelson Mandela and then just prop him at the end of his bed so the first thing he sees every morning is the old man's genial, smiling face."

Chelsea were banned from signing new players until January 2011 after convincing a teenager from French side Lens to move to the club in exchange for an emerald the size of an ostrich's eye.

Manager Ian Ancelotti said: "I suppose we'll have to make do with our current squad of 30 prodigiously-talented multi-millionaires. But with injuries, we may have to resort to our international-standard reserves. I'm terribly worried."

Since the ban, Chelsea unveiled a new player Ancelotti claims to have discovered cleaning the lavatories while insisting his resemblance to Valencia striker David Villa was nothing more than a 'bizarre coincidence'.