Go And Tidy Your Room, Say Scientists

STOP that right now and go and tidy your room this instant, leading scientists said last night. 

It is unfit for human habitation and quite amazing that you can find anything in there, which may explain why you have been wearing the same pants for a week.

The smell emanating from it is quite repulsive and appears to be a mixture of dead gerbil, stale cannabis, and semen encrusted glossy paper, which is probably what it is, they added.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: "Do you think that at night, after you go to bed, the tidy-up fairies will come out and do it all for you?

"Just get off the sofa, turn that thing off for once in your life and go upstairs. Christ you can see that lady’s nipples through her vest. Is this supposed to be kid’s TV?

"The reason you feel so bloody depressed is because you don’t bloody move off there. Ever. It’ll only take you five minutes, just chuck it all in a skip and then burn it.

"I am not just getting at you, your sister's room is also disgusting. I don’t think you should laugh at your mother like that. She only brought it into the living room because she thought it was a type of hair straightener."

However, Mrs Brubaker added: "If doing all the housework every bloody day is so good for your mental health, then how come you never do any?

"And how come I have this very strong urge to tie up you and our ungrateful, brattish children and then stab each of you in the fucking eye with a red hot poker?"

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Everything We Sell Is A Cake, Claims M&S

MARKS and Spencer has launched a legal challenge against the Inland Revenue, claiming that every one of its 25,000 products is a cake.

As the European Court of Justice awarded M&S a £3.5 million VAT refund on its teacakes, the store revealed that its skirts, blouses and underwear are actually different varieties of attractively shaped cloth cake.

It also insisted its popular lambswool sweaters are crewneck winter cosy cakes, while its cold roast chicken is, and has always been, free-range poultry cake with invisible fondant icing.

M&S chief executive, Sir Stuart Rose, said: "It's all cake. Lovely, lovely cake. Would you like a slice of patio furniture?"

In the wake of the M&S teacake battle, the European Union has pledged to enforce a maximum height for biscuits.

Anything higher than 20mm will be classed automatically as either a cake, a tart or a 'fancy'.

Meanwhile the Austrian government is preparing a multi-million pound law suit to establish a separate classification for the cream horn.

Wayne Hayes, an M&S shopper in Bristol, said: "A teacake's a biscuit, and so's a fuckin' Jaffa Cake, alright?"