GOOGLE has confirmed plans to launch its own-brand mobile phone saying the new portable online device will, for the first time, put "porn in the palm of everyone’s hand".
The wipe clean phone will come with its own in-built tissue dispenser and a special magnifying screen for users whose eyesight is fading due to excessive masturbation.
Eric Schmidt, Google chief executive, said the Google Phone™ would take “filth to its final frontier” allowing people to view huge numbers of disgusting acts “anytime, anyplace, anywhere”.
Mr Schmidt said: “The G-Phone™ fits snugly into the palm of one hand leaving the other free to rub your privates until they go off. It’s perfect for loosing off a quick one in the office toilets or at the back of the bus on the way to work. It also comes with a hands-free kit for travelling salesmen so they can have a crafty one in the car if they get stuck in a jam.”
Besides its inbuilt tissue dispenser the G-Phone™ will come with a whole host of features that rival iPhone users can only dream of, including a saw, can opener, tweezers, and home diagnostics unit for detecting sexually transmitted disease.
Google is also planning to exploit Apple’s early problems with the iPhone toaster by adding a Breville Sandwich Maker to its handset, allowing users to produce a variety of delicious toasted snacks.
Mr Schmidt said: “The iPhone’s toaster has proved a disaster, not only were early models faulty but loose crumbs continue to play havoc with the handset’s internal workings. Our sandwich maker will produce fully-sealed cheese toasties which will leave our phone both grease and crumb free.”
Other innovations on the G-Phone™ include tea and coffee making facilities, a fully stocked drinks cabinet, fold out double bed, en suite shower room, sauna, Olympic sized swimming pool, gym, pool hall and goatee beard trimmer.
Carl Knutz, an online porn freak of San Andreas, California, said: “I was a big fan of the iPhone but this is something else. Not only does it trim beards and produce great toasties but it provides constant access to shitloads of really filthy porn. And it’s wipe free. It’s every man’s dream.”
