Higgs carrying particle around in matchbox

PHYSICIST Peter Higgs is treating the ‘God particle’ like a tiny pet, it has been claimed.

Higgs’s colleagues are angry with the reclusive scientist for naming the particle and taking it home at weekends.

Physicist Tom Logan said: “I popped into the lab on Saturday to do some physics on the particle but I was told Peter had taken it to the park to see the ducks.

“Apparently he calls it ‘Bosie’ for short.

“Usually he’s carrying it around in a matchbox. It’s even got a bit of cotton wool in it which is apparently its bed.

“If you ask him anything he holds the matchbox to his ear and says, ‘What do you think, Bosie?’ Then he acts like it’s talking back to him, it’s really annoying.

“Last week we couldn’t do any experiments because ‘Bosie was tired’.”

Higgs’s search for the fundamental particle began after the death of his beloved Cairn terrier Roxy left him with a lot of time on his hands.

Fellow scientist Emma Bradford said: “I told him the particle can’t talk and he replied, ‘Bosie doesn’t talk to you because you smell funny’.

“One time we got the matchbox and swapped the Higgs Boson for another less important particle. They all look similarly invisible but somehow he knew and went apeshit.”

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Gove: 'Fun is a relic of history'

MICHAEL Gove has unveiled plans to padlock children inside schools until they have absorbed all knowledge.

He said: “The school holidays only exist so kids can have ‘fun’, which is the relic of a bygone age.

“There is no fun now, only work and consumption.

“Then the sweet release of death.”