'How-Old' shattering your delusions with tremendous enthusiasm

THE Microsoft website which tells you how old you look is thoroughly enjoying your horrified reaction.

How-Old.net was set up by the company as an act of revenge after everyone switched to Firefox and Chrome because Internet Explorer was awful.

The site tempts people in with a ‘fun little experiment’ before telling them they look at least five years older than they really are, leaving them in a heap of shattered delusions.

A spokesman said: “You look like your grandparents and no-one will ever want you.”

Evidence suggests that even those who still use IE are also being toyed with cruelly as Microsoft just assumes they own an Apple product.

The spokesman said: “What happened to loyalty, you puffy, baggy-eyed mess?

“Not really, just kidding. You look very distinguished, like Dumbledore or Angela Lansbury.

“Fuck you.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Britain demands the abolition of small talk

BRITAIN has condemned small talk as idiotic and pointless and called for its immediate abolition.

The country wants small talk to replaced by medium talk, leading eventually to only ever talking about big things that actually matter.

Medium talk pioneer Tom Logan said: “For centuries British people have spent their first minutes together discussing the details of their journey, or exchanging generic observations about sport or clothes.

“Let’s at least begin with a forthright opinion about a television programme or telling the other person they do not look well.”

Medium talk is due to graduate to big talk in 2018 with new acquaintances easing into conversation with a string of massive, irresolvable questions.

Logan added: “It will be normal to greet a new person by shouting ‘Will there ever be a lasting peace in the Middle East?’ or ‘If there wasn’t a God wouldn’t humanity need to create one?”