I'd Play God, Says Everyone

AS scientists created artificial life for the first time, people across Britain said if it was them they would be playing God like it was going out of fashion.

Geneticist Dr Craig Venter has been warned not to use his historic breakthrough to control the weather and invent day-glo animals with 20 heads or an eight-legged sheep that speaks Dutch and can fly a microlight.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Most people become scientists because they’re desperate to create a menagerie of bizarre creatures and then hold the world to ransom with a test tube full of instantly lethal bacteria before having massive diamond statues erected in their honour in every city on Earth. I know I did.

“And that’s why Dr Venter should be arrested without delay and his research notes handed over to a reputable institute that specialises in studying things.”

But ordinary people have stressed that given the chance, they would be out there playing God every night until they made themselves puke.

Tom Logan, from York, said: “You could try and stop me except you wouldn’t be able to because I’d be God and you’d be you and I’d win – really easily.

“I would take over the entire top floor of the Dorchester – so I guess that would become Heaven – and all those who disobey my commandments will quake with fear and bow down in penitence at the very mention of my name. And yes, I am talking about you Brian Dawson, you fucking arsehole.”

He added: “Naturally I would use artificial life to clean up environmental pollution and cure diseases, but of course my first order of business would be creating a women that looks like Kelly Le Brock in Weird Science.

“To be honest, I’d probably make about a million of them and wear them out one by one.”

Bill McKay, from Finsbury Park, said: “I actually think we have to be very careful about who is allowed to play God. And after giving it a great deal of thought, I really think it should be me.”

He added: “I’ll be very nice – at first – curing diseases and making it rain in Africa, but then I suspect I’d get all bored and fidgety and start doing all kinds of weird, crazy shit. Quite a lot of it involving Billie Piper, Charlotte Church and a long, thin sponge.

“Yeah, like you wouldn’t. Shut up.”


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Have You Seen My Tits Yet? Asks Kim Kardashian

KIM Kardashian would like to draw your attention to her breasts, it was confirmed last night

Kardashian, whose skills include having a first and second name and a pair of breasts, was becoming increasingly concerned that you might not yet have noticed them yet.

She added: “Look at these things. They’re my tits, and they’re awesome.”

As debate continues over whether Kardashian is a person, a product or an undefinable thing, sources said the tits could soon jiggle about.

A friend said: “It’s too early to confirm anything just yet, but yes, it could happen. Similarly, we are not going to rule out bouncing, wobbling or shaking. However they definitely won’t be juddering, hovering or bobbling.”

Meanwhile experts stressed that while there is at least a 40% chance you have never heard of Kardashian she has recently made a sex tape with some sort of rapper, which you will Google shortly after reading this even though the thought of doing so makes you hate yourself.

Angry Guardian reader Tom Logan said: “Kim Kardashian is the very epitome of the modern media monoculture – vacuous, materialistic, a perpetuation of tawdry misogynist stereotypes. I steadfastly refuse to look at her big, full chests.

“If however someone – let’s say a well-respected Guardian columnist for instance – was to point out the post-modern irony of the chests and their role in redefining the nature of celebrity, then that would be an entirely different matter…”