YESTERDAY’S widespread internet outage has offered the world a fleeting vision of the paradise life could be if not deluged with endless online bollocks.
The disruption of Amazon Web Services gave people an all-too brief taste of living without relentless Zoom meetings, Duolingo lessons and self-important LinkedIn essays before cruelly plunging everyone back into the online hellscape.
Outage survivor Emma Bradford said: “I couldn’t log into my bank account to see how poor I am. It was beautiful.
“Briefly I saw, as if through a golden doorway, how liberating it would be if the internet went away permanently. No more WhatsApp groups, no more dick pics, no more two-step verification. Tears of joy rolled down my face.
“Influencers immediately become just some twat. School friends you never liked vanish into their boring lives. The racist swamp of Twitter is drained. Advertising is restored to something you mute on the TV occasionally.
“Sure, I wouldn’t be able to buy a £2 skirt from Vinted that I wouldn’t even want in my wardrobe because it smells weird, but it’s a small price to pay for a world without memes.”
She added: “Oh, I’d be in the office eight hours a day, five days a week? I take it all back, I hope the digital boot continues to stamp on my face forever.”
