ISRAELI club Maccabi Tel Aviv have promised to send only fans who stroke puppies and present old ladies with bouquets of flowers to their match with Aston Villa.
After the Tel Aviv derby was called off due to rioting and ‘risks to human life’, the club has sworn that only those members of its hardcore support known as the ‘ultra-nice’ would come to Birmingham bringing thoughtful wrapped gifts.
A spokesman said: “Your politicians and media calling a police decision to ban fans anti-Semitism were right. Our true supporters exude a Zen-like calm.
“They will pour off the plane, eager to befriend and tip generously. Planting wildflowers as they go, they will invade central Birmingham, cleaning its streets and pick up litter.
“Skin colour and religion are immaterial, for to them all men are brothers. They light flares only to help those struggling to read in dim light. When they walk around with scaffolding poles as in Amsterdam, it is because they search for buildings to renovate for free.
“The trouble at last night’s game was only because it was a derby so feelings of collegiate friendship overflowed into injuring police and tearing the stadium apart. As is easy to do.”
Prime minister Keir Starmer said: “Yes, I knew I was right to say it was anti-Semitism. Little tip, you can’t ever go wrong with that. It’s how I won power.”
