iPhone 5 not as good as first phone ever made

THE facility to talk to people who are not in the room remains the most innovative feature of any phone ever, it has been confirmed.

As praise is heaped upon the iPhone 5’s many intricate functions, Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies claimed Apple’s efforts don’t amount to shit compared to Alexander Graham Bell’s.

He said: “Calling people up is really the most incredible thing. It’s like doing a seance or something, but it actually works.

“It’s a feature that’s been copied in pretty much every phone since – with limited success in many smartphones – but never beaten.

“Anyone excited about new phones should put that in context. Maps, music – good. Panoramic pictures – pretty shit.

“Phoning people – fucking mental.

“How the hell did anyone come up with that? Voices, coming out of a box.

“You have to be some kind of genius. Like an actual genius, not a modern ‘genius’ who is actually just a clever person.

“On that basis I would say the iPhone 5 is inferior to the first phone ever made.”

The the first ‘phone game’ arrived in 1901, and consisted of lifting and replacing the receiver as many times as possible in a 10 minute period.



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Keeping up with TV drama now main cause of stress

ATTEMPTING to keep abreast of television drama is the primary cause of stress in the UK, it has emerged.

The Institute for Studies found that 34% of Britons had considered substance abuse to escape worries about the hundreds of hours of unwatched drama building up on their Sky box.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “In terms of stress levels, keeping abreast ofBoardwalk Empire, True Detective, The Walking Dead and the dozen or so new dramas launched every week is roughly equivalent to taking part in the Normandy landings.

“The only way it is physically possible to keep up with this tsunami of quality entertainment is to give up your job, family and personal hygiene and remain permanently in front of the television, eating baked beans out of the tin to sustain your visual cortex.

“Personally I do not think that is a price worth paying for the new series of Inspector George Gently.”

Mother-of-two Nikki Hollis said: “Last week I thought I just had two episodes of Game of Thrones to get through and then I’d have a few precious hours to myself before I had to make a start on Better Call Saul.

“Then one of my friends called and told me there was a new series of House of Cards. I just curled up on the floor and wept.”