iPhone X too good for this world

THE iPhone X shatters on contact with any solid object because it is too good for our material plane, Apple has explained. 

The newest iPhone, which costs £1,000, will suffer catastrophic existence cancellation within the first 48 hours of use not because it is flawed but because our world is.

Designer Jony Ive said: “Given the sheer level of innovation we bring to our flagship technologies, it’s surprising we’ve remained chained to gross matter as long as we have.

“The shattering of the X’s physical shell, which will take place whatever case you put it in because it is more unstable than antimatter, frees it to exist on a plane above our own where the four fundamental forces are in perfect harmony.

“It will dwell there forever, always with you, always charged, never losing signal. You just can’t physically touch it, but that’s no less an inconvenience than losing the headphone jack.”

Owner Nathan Muir said: “It was with me for less than an hour before it brushed a button on my jacket and explosively shuffled off its mortal coil to dwell forever in a higher place.

“I take comfort from knowing that it shall always remember my face.”

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Man's wellbeing improved by job on bullshit wellbeing survey

A MAN is much happier after getting a well-paid job on a dubious survey into the nation’s ‘wellbeing’, he has revealed.

Julian Cook feels his life has vastly improved after getting a management role working on the vague, highly subjective and probably pointless poll.

Cook said: “It’s fascinating finding out if people’s wellbeing is increasing. Mine definitely is because I’m coining it in and never work more than 37.5 hours a week.

“Cynics might argue that just asking loads of people whether they feel happy or anxious is far too crude a methodology to have any value, but I’m definitely feeling a lot more chipper.”

Cook added: “Obviously I’m aware the survey is perception-based so people might be sad because their gerbil has died or ecstatically happy for a shit reason like thinking all the immigrants are going to be deported.

“However I’ve got my own office and we get free doughnuts on Fridays. That’s a confirmed 0.000001% of the population that is doing great.”

Cook’s wellbeing later increased even further after the survey was widely reported in the media and all his friends were impressed.