It can be set to silent, and other reasons why your phone is better than your kids

YOUR Samsung does what you ask it to, while children are annoying, wilful little shits. Here are some other reasons to love your phone more.

It can be set to silent

Ringtones can be annoying, but do you know what’s more annoying? The constant screeching and whining of a child’s voice. The phone can instantly be set to silent, but the same can’t be said for kids, unless you’re happy to hand over all parenting duties to Haribo and Minecraft.

It provides you with interesting information

A smartphone is an incredible machine that can provide you with fascinating information about literally anything via a quick Google. Your child can recount the plot of 357 episodes of Peppa Pig, drone on about dinosaurs and explain why they don’t need to go to bed. And that’s it. 

It requires very little input

All your phone requires from you is that you give it a bit of electricity now and then, and don’t drop it down the toilet. Your child requires food, clothes, toys, a home, education, a social life and loving attention, potentially until the age of 40 or beyond, as it’s unlikely they’ll be able to afford to move out. And it doesn’t even provide Angry Birds in return.

It’s not ruinously expensive

You may have winced when handing over £400 for that shiny new Hauwei but compared to the £150k+ a child costs to raise until the age of 18 it barely registers. You could have a new phone every month for the same money and it would never tell you it hated you and wished it had never been born.

You can get a new one if you don’t like it

After a couple of years your iPhone will get start to feel outdated and crap, especially when compared to all the shiny new models around. But luckily you can just discard it and buy a new one. Unfortunately this isn’t encouraged with children, so you’ll have to put up with yours until some other poor bastard can be persuaded to take it off your hands.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Rishi Sunak unveils his vision of Spod Britain

THE prime minister has outlined his vision of a country where every man, woman and child is a maths-loving spod.

Rishi Sunak, who was Head Spod in his final year at Winchester College, has shared his dream of a country where everyone does long division in their heads for fun and talks about differential equations on the bus.

He continued: “When I entered politics, I expected every serious politician, and especially Tories, to have a solid grasp of number theory. Then I met Boris Johnson.

“But even with that regrettable arts graduate gone, I find nobody shares my sheer joy at multiplying primes to find semiprimes which are factors, or calculating the length of a birdbath’s shadow at 2pm using the data collected at noon.

“We should all love maths, and as prime minister I can make it so. It begins with two years compulsory maths for 16 to 18-year-olds, but it goes up quicker than a Fibonacci sequence. Every adult will love four-hour evening classes on Leibnitz’s coefficients.

“The nation will proudly carry scientific calculators and Helix geometry sets. Joking about set theory with teachers will no longer be stigmatised. Even bullies will only challenge you to name corresponding points on parabolas.”

He added: “I don’t know why anyone does English Lit. It’s all made up.”