Beloved childhood films Generation Z can't understand you liking

TODAY’S teenagers have only experienced lame sequels to great films you loved as a kid. Here are some that make you look weird due to the new ones being total shit.

Raiders of the Lost Ark 

Pure cinematic joy – Nazi occultists, propeller dismemberment, Karen Allen. However teens have been introduced to Indiana Jones via Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, with its gibberish backstory and ‘WTF?’ Tarzan scene. Dial of Destiny will really make them wonder what the fuss is about as a knackered Indy looks as if he’d prefer a sit-down and a cup of tea. 

Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan 

Star Trek films aren’t exactly an unmitigated success, but Wrath of Khan rocked. As well as all the recent ones dispensing with plot logic, Star Trek Into Darkness brought back Khan as gangly posho Benedict Cumberbatch, who exudes the physical menace of a clinically depressed supply teacher. 

Alice in Wonderland

The original is a classic of animation full of iconic moments. Tim Burton’s remake is essentially being spiked with LSD and the ensuing bad trip. Gen Z youngsters will assume you took loads of drugs in your youth and get you an unfunny cannabis mug.

The Evil Dead

Greatly enjoyed for its gleeful gore back in 1981, plus the kudos of watching a ‘video nasty’. Today’s young ‘uns can enjoy a humour-free version that deals with a dull heroin addiction subplot and which resembles a million other competent horror movies. And they use an electric carving knife instead of a chain saw for limb removal. Wusses.

The Lion King 

You loved those singing animals with their adorable, expressive Disney faces, so why not make a version where they can’t emote? You’d think the House of Mouse could improve on Animal Magic with Johnny Morris. Also a big benefit of cartoon lions is that they don’t remind you that real lions are savage killing machines who like ripping baby gazelles’ intestines out.

Star Wars

After The Rise of Skywalker, Generation Z must be convinced that A New Hope was about unlikeable twats going from A to B to C collecting unexplained artefacts while random things happen, such as star destroyers emerging from the ground like carrots. They might even think you spent all your time making your action figures have incomprehensible conversations about ‘force dyads’.

The Wicker Man

The ancient evil, the sexual repression, the slow, serious build-up to a horrific climax… or there’s the 2006 Nicolas ‘No, not the bees!’ Cage version. Wax lyrical about The Wicker Man and Gen Zers will assume you have no taste in films whatsoever, and get you the DVD of Big Momma’s House for Christmas.

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Does waiting 10 hours to see an A&E doctor count as a crisis? Take the Tory party quiz

THE government refuses to accept the NHS is in crisis. Are they lying or are you being an entitled whinger for expecting hospital care after a heart attack? Find out with our quiz.

Does spending 70 hours on a trolley in a corridor count as hospital care?

A) Yes. It’s fine to be catheterised in a public place by a weeping student nurse. It’s still a medical setting, right?

B) No. It’s unsafe and undignified but Rishi Sunak doesn’t care about that because he goes private. He probably gets his own Playstation and extra-comfy slippers.

Would you be happy being turfed out of an ambulance into a hospital car park?

A) Yes, because most people calling ambulances are pathetic snowflakes who could do with some fresh air.

B) No. I understand there’s no room in hospitals, but if it was okay to keep patients outdoors you could drop them off in a supermarket car park and call it ‘Asda General Hospital’. 

Do you want to die while lying in a puddle waiting for an ambulance?

A) Well, it’s not ideal but I hate immigrants so I’m prepared to put up with it if I can keep voting people like Suella Braverman in.

B) No, but given the amount of excess deaths happening due to delays I’ve invested in some waterproof trousers so I can die in comfort.

Can it all be blamed on the pandemic?

A) Is that what Steve Barclay says? Well, obviously he’s right. He’s definitely a stand-up guy and not some useless bastard doing bugger all to help.

B) No, but they’re clearly going to keep using that as an excuse for every f**k-up from Brexit to a Tory MP putting a new conservatory on expenses.

Do you think the Conservative party is brilliant?

A) Even a rabid right-winger like me can see that the country is in a state but if it stopped Labour getting in I’d let them shoot me in the face. Even if there’s a six-month wait for bullet wounds nowadays.

B) F**k off.

Mostly As: You don’t think the NHS is in crisis, but that’s because you’re currently sitting on a comfortable sofa reading the Telegraph. Come back and do the quiz again after you’ve broken a hip putting the bins out.

Mostly Bs: You know the NHS is in crisis and are terrified of injuring yourself. Cover yourself in bubble wrap and stay at home for the next three months. Things might have improved slightly by Easter.