What teachers really get up to on an inset day

THE kids would be back at school already if it wasn’t for the pesky inset day. But what are the teachers actually doing during their training?

9am: Anger management class

Not getting paid enough while being called a knobhead by an annoying little shit called Tyler is enough to make anyone furious. This session teaches techniques to process anger, such as primal screaming and installing a dartboard in the staffroom with a picture of whichever arsehole is this month’s education secretary attached to it.

10am. Mindfulness and the PTA

Yes, the PTA are all super-keen nightmares that badger you relentlessly but their bake sales and raffles are all that stands between the school and financial ruin. A meditation guru will teach affirmations like ‘Lily’s annoying mum Carole means well’ to repeat while visiting your mind palace.

11am: Juice and a biscuit

11.15am: Dealing with non-teachers

People who have other jobs assume that teachers are lazy bastards who work half the year and knock off at 3.30pm every day. This is hard to bear when the truth is that you graft until 11pm every night planning lessons and get flu the instant the holidays start because you’re so burnt out. Learn how to mutter ‘Get f**ked, you moron’ under your breath while smiling pleasantly.

12.15pm: Lunch of turkey twizzlers while ignoring the salad bar

1.15pm: Coping with your nickname

Children are cruel and heartless, and their nickname for you is even more so. You’ll be shown how to deal with being called things like Queen Hitler or Paedo Pete for no discernible reason, including the use of copious amounts of wine and that dartboard in the staffroom.

2pm: Milk and a nap

2.30pm: Swapping subjects

You’ve got a PhD in advanced mathematics from Oxford, but when history teacher Barry calls in sick you’re going to have to take his class whether you like it or not. You might not have a clue about early 20th century history, but fear not, this session will teach you critical skills like digging out a DVD of Titanic and pressing play.

3.15pm End of lessons and a crafty fag round the back of the science block

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Bastard's clothes still fit

A COMPLETE bastard is still comfortably fitting into the clothes he wore before he stuffed his face during Christmas, it has been confirmed.

Despite having sat on his sofa for over a week and done nothing except gorge on cheese and Pringles, Tom Booker’s friends and colleagues are outraged to notice he is not bulging out of his clothes.

Friend Nikki Hollis said: “This is bullshit. I only treated myself to a thin slice of Christmas cake and I’ve put on six pounds. How the f**k has Tom feasted his way into a trim, slender physique?

“I asked if he’s joined the gym and he just laughed and shook his head. Maybe pigs in blankets and roast potatoes do wonders for your metabolism if you eat them in vast quantities while watching Ghosts?”

Co-worker Jack Browne said: “I was looking forward to returning to work purely to see Tom’s muffin top spilling over his trousers. But he’s gone and got the year off to a shit start by daring to be lean, the prick.

“I just want a button to ping off his shirt when he leans over, is that too much to ask? It’s not like I want his arteries to pack in or anything serious like that.”

Booker said: “I guess I’m blessed with good genetics. My cocaine addiction probably helps, too.”