Woman spends date pretending she didn't already know everything from online stalking

A WOMAN has given an Oscar-worthy performance of interest when being told things about her date that she had already learned from social media.

Donna Sheridan matched with Nathan Muir on Tinder and asked him out for a drink to ‘get to know each other’ despite having already looked through his Facebook photo albums all the way back to 2011.

Sheridan said: “I prefer to meet up with someone in real life rather than spending ages chatting online, but obviously I had to do my due diligence first.

“Nathan’s Facebook profile was quite sparse after 2018, so I used the basic facts I gleaned from it to find his LinkedIn. That was a real treasure trove of information, but I had to remember to feign surprise when he told me about his recent promotion.

“I did slip up when I asked how his mum got into ceramics, as he hadn’t told me that yet. I think I managed to cover my tracks by saying he ‘seemed like he had creative blood’. Ridiculous in retrospect, but he was vain enough to buy it. I must remember to clear her Etsy pottery shop from my search history, though, just in case.

“Is it over the top? No. I just needed to check he wasn’t a total weirdo. There are some odd people out there, you know.”

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Work crap you have to deal with after Christmas

YOU’VE been back at your desk for half an hour and the happy relaxation you felt during the holidays has already vanished. Here’s why:

You’ve forgotten your passwords

In the old days they were all written on a post-it stuck to your monitor but the IT department has lately decided that poses some sort of security risk. Spend the first half of the day on the phone to Gary in infrastructure trying to get logged on while he speaks to you with the same condescendingly exasperated tone your parents like to use.

You have 9,423 emails to wade through

You’ve been off over Christmas but it doesn’t look like the majority of your colleagues or your boss have. Can you be arsed to read them or should you just select all and delete? It’s a difficult decision so spend 40 minutes sitting in the toilet playing Forge of Empires on your mobile instead of figuring out what to do.

You have to listen to a rundown of your colleagues’ Christmases

‘Nice Christmas?’ you politely ask every colleague, presuming they will succinctly say ‘Lovely, thanks’ and allow you to go about your business. What you actually get is a rundown of their pettiest Christmas arguments and a detailed review of King Charles’ first speech, which quickly serves to remind you why you avoid talking to these people as much as possible.

Your boss asking why you never replied to any of his texts

‘Because I was on holiday, you massive bellend’ you want to scream into his face. Unfortunately you need this miserable job to pay off the credit card bill you racked up over Christmas, so you can’t do that. Instead you make up an elaborate lie about losing your work phone for the whole holiday before miraculously finding it just as you left the house for the office this morning. What are the chances?

Having to sort out all the mistakes Gavin has made

Gavin, who is desperate for a promotion, volunteered to come into the office for a couple of days between Christmas and New Year, to keep things ‘ticking over’. Unfortunately, Gavin is a massive twat, which means he has pissed off six of your clients, deleted half your files and eaten your secret stash of Hobnobs. Happy New Year.