Andrew Tate's New Year's resolutions for oppressed straight white men

BEING accused of having ‘small dick energy’ isn’t the most alpha male start to 2023. But no one f**ks with Andrew Tate. Here’s how I’ll be bouncing back in 2023.

Bully a young woman

I’ll get my revenge on Greta Thunberg, even if she’s a small, 19-year-old woman and I’m a 36-year-old former kickboxer. I’ve spent four days thinking of replies and I’ve already come up with: ‘Actually my knob’s 10.4cm. I measured it, you fat cow.’ You don’t cross swords with my devastating intellect.

Never stop fighting for my loyal followers

My success is based on weird male incel losers with poor hygiene. Sorry, I meant ‘brave emasculated men‘. It’s my moral duty to charge them just $49.99 per month in the hope of finally getting laid and reassure them that all women are frigid, manipulative bitches, rather than telling them to learn basic conversational skills and buy a deodorant.

Get these pesky human trafficking accusations dropped

So I’m meant to have recruited women and forced them to appear in pornography? Why would I need to force them to do anything when I run courses teaching totally legit seduction techniques such as grinding them down with verbal abuse and threatening them with a machete? It’s obviously all a conspiracy. Take the red pill and wake up, sheeple.

Take Hustler’s University to the next level

Hustler’s University is where I sell my totally-not-bogus courses online. I’d like to see it become a fully-accredited, bricks-and-mortar institution that appears on University Challenge. It would be as respected as Oxbridge or MIT, but with degrees in Pussy.

Update my Twitter page

My pinned tweet currently says ‘My unmatched perspicacity coupled with sheer indefatigability makes me a feared opponent in any realm of human endeavour’ but I think I’m being too modest. I’ll leave it like that for a while as the Romanian police have taken my thesaurus so I’d struggle to come up with something as good again.

Stay one step ahead of the Matrix

Dark global forces fear my message. Feminazis and castrated liberal ‘men’ would say it’s actually just a weird mix of misogynist bollocks, blatant grift and right-wing politics, but it’s actually a blueprint for a better world where a heterosexual white man is unafraid to talk about his McLaren 720S for an hour or more, even if everyone is yawning.

Make new friends

The Romanian police have successfully applied to detain me for a month, and I’ve heard that jail can be a nasty place for good-looking men like me, so ironically I’m looking for a big strong sugar daddy in prison. All offers considered.

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Sunak announces he is taking a gap year

THE prime minister has announced he will be taking the whole of 2023 off to prevent suffering from burnout.

Rishi Sunak has given his first, and last, Downing Street press conference of the year to inform Britain that he will be taking 12 months’ sabbatical, effective immediately.

He continued: “Hey. First, this isn’t about you, okay? Don’t feel this is your fault for being too unmanageable a country or whatever. It’s not that. I’m doing this for Rishi.

“I found myself approaching the new year as prime minister with a sense of dread, and you can’t govern a country with vibes like that. So I thought ‘What would Zuckerberg do?’ and I realised: he’d take the year off.

“I’ll be meditating, I’ll be travelling, I’ll be centring myself. I’m stepping off the whirling carousel to ask the big questions. What is Britain? What is it for? What can it do for me? Can I write the whole thing off against future tax liabilities?

“You’ll manage without me. I’m not trying to get anything through parliament or meeting the unions or pulling any economic levers or anything – I’m not that kind of PM – so a caretaker would be superfluous. It’s only a year, guys, chill.

“I’ll be back for 2024 and the election revitalised. And I recommend anyone who feels they might get burnout to follow my example and put yourself first.”