BEING accused of having ‘small dick energy’ isn’t the most alpha male start to 2023. But no one f**ks with Andrew Tate. Here’s how I’ll be bouncing back in 2023.
Bully a young woman
I’ll get my revenge on Greta Thunberg, even if she’s a small, 19-year-old woman and I’m a 36-year-old former kickboxer. I’ve spent four days thinking of replies and I’ve already come up with: ‘Actually my knob’s 10.4cm. I measured it, you fat cow.’ You don’t cross swords with my devastating intellect.
Never stop fighting for my loyal followers
My success is based on weird male incel losers with poor hygiene. Sorry, I meant ‘brave emasculated men‘. It’s my moral duty to charge them just $49.99 per month in the hope of finally getting laid and reassure them that all women are frigid, manipulative bitches, rather than telling them to learn basic conversational skills and buy a deodorant.
Get these pesky human trafficking accusations dropped
So I’m meant to have recruited women and forced them to appear in pornography? Why would I need to force them to do anything when I run courses teaching totally legit seduction techniques such as grinding them down with verbal abuse and threatening them with a machete? It’s obviously all a conspiracy. Take the red pill and wake up, sheeple.
Take Hustler’s University to the next level
Hustler’s University is where I sell my totally-not-bogus courses online. I’d like to see it become a fully-accredited, bricks-and-mortar institution that appears on University Challenge. It would be as respected as Oxbridge or MIT, but with degrees in Pussy.
Update my Twitter page
My pinned tweet currently says ‘My unmatched perspicacity coupled with sheer indefatigability makes me a feared opponent in any realm of human endeavour’ but I think I’m being too modest. I’ll leave it like that for a while as the Romanian police have taken my thesaurus so I’d struggle to come up with something as good again.
Stay one step ahead of the Matrix
Dark global forces fear my message. Feminazis and castrated liberal ‘men’ would say it’s actually just a weird mix of misogynist bollocks, blatant grift and right-wing politics, but it’s actually a blueprint for a better world where a heterosexual white man is unafraid to talk about his McLaren 720S for an hour or more, even if everyone is yawning.
Make new friends
The Romanian police have successfully applied to detain me for a month, and I’ve heard that jail can be a nasty place for good-looking men like me, so ironically I’m looking for a big strong sugar daddy in prison. All offers considered.
