IT professionals deny they would ever help anyone

CLAIMS surrounding James Murdoch’s missing emails have prompted IT staff to deny they would ever assist a colleague with anything, ever.

Messages related to phone hacking vanished from Murdoch’s inbox, triggering speculation that News International’s IT personnel may have done something for someone.

However IT Workers’ Union leader Stephen Malley, who prefers to be called Blade619, said: “Our code of conduct strictly forbids helpfulness, regardless of the moral context.

“Had Murdoch contacted tech support regarding an email-related issue, he would have been given a series of deliberately complicated instructions that would have forced him to give up and buy a new computer, or put his head in an oven.

“It is just possible that he would have been asked which browser he uses, so that he could have been informed in a condescending tone that no-one uses that browser any more before being cut off.”

He added: “Had Murdoch gotten really quite angry, the person on the ‘helpdesk’ may have muttered ‘fuck’s sake’ under their breath and grudgingly agreed to come down after lunch.

“And then not bothered.”

Office manager Emma Bradford said: “James Murdoch may be a powerful man, but I cannot imagine he would have got himself involved with computer people.

“Last time I cornered an IT humanoid to tell him my computer had gone wrong he just narrowed his eyes into little slits and replied that ‘computers are logic-based machines, they do not go ‘wrong”. Then he kept staring at me until I wet myself.”

She added: “I’m not sure they even know anything about technology. Susan in accounts says she saw one repeatedly hitting a broken server with his cock.”

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Facebook IPO fails because nobody can find 'Buy' button

THE first public listing of Facebook has failed after users could not find the bit of the website that allows them to buy shares.

The floatation of the social media site was expected to raise $5 billion, but so far stockbrokers have become embroiled in a highly destructive Farmville skirmish and accidentally checked in at Nando’s.

Investment banker Nathan Muir said: “There is no danger of this being another dot-com bubble disaster. Okay, I think I click here… No, I don’t want to report spam, I don’t want to change my privacy settings, I don’t want to share my music.

“What the fuck is wrong with this bastarding piece-of-shit?

Wall Street broker Tad Logan said: “Today was an opportunity to find out if Facebook is overvalued or undervalued. But what I have actually discovered is that other people’s timelines are unbelievably tedious – or frightening – and I now have an overwhelming desire to be left alone.”

The cash raised by the IPO so far stands at $416, most of which was clicked on by mistake.

Chief executive Mark Zuckerberg said: “Simply hover the mouse over your profile button, wait for the menu to pop up, choose Education & Work, go to the blue arrow that appears in the top corner, wait for the Shares? menu to appear and, holding the mouse button down, move the slider to indicate how many shares you want.

“Oh fuck, I think I just sold all mine for 22 Malaysian Ringitts.”

Facebook will use the money that is eventually raised from the the flotation to hunt down anyone or anything that is a threat to it in any way and then torture it to death.