Stock exchange bomb plot suggests Al Qaeda now on our side

A PLOT to blow up the London Stock Exchange suggests that Islamic terrorists now want to do us a favour, it has emerged.

Four men pleaded guilty to the charge amid calls for them to be given a conditional discharge and then some help carrying the fertiliser.

Terror economist Bill McKay said:”It would be like taking an old laptop that runs on Windows Vista and
makes you want to top yourself and melting it with a blowtorch.

“It is difficult to imagine a more advantageous explosion.”

He added: “Obviously you’d want to evacuate everyone first. Obviously. But then they could just blow up all the computers.

“All that fictional debt bullshit would be wiped out, companies could once again be things that do things and we could all finally set about the reasonably important business of having actual lives.

“We just need to let Al Qaeda go about its business. Let’s think of it as an ‘intervention’.”

Helen Archer, author of Terrorism: What’s All That About? added: “If MI5 comes across plots to blow up Saturday night television and Facebook it may be that we have got Islamo-Fascism all wrong and they are actually trying to send us a message.

“And that message would be ‘we love you and we want you to get better’.”


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Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I’ve finally managed to get a girl from work to go out with me and we’re going on a date this Friday night. I really want to show her a good time but I’m not sure what we should do. Personally, I like to play Call of Duty for seven hours solid and then masturbate to the free ten minutes on the adult channel but I’m not sure if she’ll enjoy that. What would you suggest?

Dear Tim,
According to my big sister’s diary, an ideal first date has several important elements. First, and most important, you need at least one three-litre bottle of cheap cider, plus some cooking sherry you’ve pinched from the kitchen cupboard. An ideal first meeting point is at the play park where you can impress her by grafitting ‘suck my balls’ in tippex on the slide and then jumping off the swing so fast that it wraps around the crossbar and no-one can ever use it again. Make sure you shout ‘fat slag’ at any lone female who passes as this will make you look dangerous and witty. Girls love that.
As the date progresses, you might want to think about changing venue, most crucially because the police are about to move you on. It’s probably time to get something to eat because you’ve just puked up a litre of cider on to your shoes and you need to get rid of the sick taste in your mouth before you have to kiss anyone. Your best bet is a portion of chips which you can toss on to the roof of someone’s car when you’ve eaten half of them. At this point, it might be worth trying to stick your hand up your date’s skirt and then call her a frigid cow when she dismisses your advances. Then, sadly, it’s time to run, because your dad has just been spotted coming out of Superdrug and he’s headed straight for you. Plus it’s nearly 4.30pm and you have to get back in time for your tea.
Hope that helps!