Saudi women banned from self-service check-outs

SAUDI women have been banned from using supermarket self check-outs amid fears the female voiced systems could lead to homosexuality and the extinction of virgins.

Expert clerics claim that left unattended, women will quickly enter a deluded self-swiping frenzy, stacking trolleyloads of loose vegetables and miscellaneous pastries into an endless teetering tower of sexual decadence.

Dr Milad Al Ibrahim, said: “One minute a simple young woman is hesitantly ‘choosing item from list’, the next she’s beeping herself silly, slurring about her captain’s log and ‘accidentally’ exposing her nipples during knife fights on strange planets with men who are not relatives.”

Riyadi shopper, Basma El Gowaz said: “I can see how the system is only trying to protect me. For example, if I use one of my own bags, the checkout believes me. Because I used two, approval was needed and a man had to come and check my virtue.

“Luckily, the Saudi kinship law meant he could legally perform the bag check after ingesting some of my breastmilk. Thank God for that because otherwise things would’ve just been weird between us.”

Engineer Abdurahman Fouad said: “Have I swiped my nectar card? I don’t think I like this woman’s presumptuous tone.

“Next, it’ll be ‘do you think the teabag just jumps from the sink into the bin by itself’ and ‘what is this sticky stuff on the side of the bath?’.

“When I want this kind of mouthy backchat, I’ll go home and empty a chicken biryani into the dishwasher.”

Dr Al Ibrahim added: “And there goes an emotionally traumatised wretch who will spend this Saturday night watching boxsets of The Golden Girls with some guy he met in Prêt a Manger.”


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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
If I were a rich man, yubbydibbydibbydibbydibbydibbydibbydum. All day long I’d biddybiddybum, if I were a wealthy man. Which probably explains why I’m not.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Your looped ‘y’ indicates a flamboyant personality and the forward sloping indicates impatience. But why is it written in blood?

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)

The first heavy snow of winter brings a crystalline hush to the world and as a pristine blanket settles over the gentle rolling hills you tell work you’re snowed in, take off your underpants and go back to playing Skyrim.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)

E4 producers haven’t got back to you yet about your suggestion for the show ‘Playing It Straight’ where you suggest a square cut shot is more suitable for shorter off-stump deliveries.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)

Your interest in Indian culture makes you a more culturally-enriched individual with an appreciation of esoteric spirituality and the many flavours of Asia but that doesn’t mean you need to do the voice as well.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)

You cannot wait to see the look on your boss’s face when he asks what you’ve been doing all year and you usher him into the stationery cupboard to behold your life-sized papercilp velociraptor.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)

One hundred sit-ups a day is impressive. Is there a similar exercise for your ability to make me despise everything about you?

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)

You miss your girlfriend’s funny little habits like stealing the duvet, so maybe you shouldn’t have shopped her to the security guard in John Lewis.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)

Quick question – how does your digestive system cope with you being told to stop being such a fussy little shit and order something?

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)

You ask for a refund from the cinema manager after watching ‘The Grey’ on the basis that if you wanted to watch a dour old man have a terrible time with wolves you’d get a season ticket at Molineux.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)

Your years campaigning against animal testing, capitalism, war in the middle east and fascist groups has seen you develop a keen desire for change. Usually for a can of Kestrel.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)

If you’re honest with yourself, you’re not where you thought you’d be by the age of 40 – in prison for killing all those midgets.