Last person who isn’t a recruitment tosser leaves LinkedIn

THE last person with a normal job has finally given up on the social network LinkedIn, it has emerged.

Graphic designer Julian Cook left the site after realising he was the only surviving person without a job title like ‘placement professional’ or ‘management headhunter’.

Cook said: “I scrolled through the timeline. Recruiters. I looked at my messages. Recruiters. I feel like prey that’s being stalked. By people off The Apprentice.

“My housemate from uni messaged me last week. I was looking forward to reminiscing about the old days but he’s a ‘talent acquisition professional’ now and just wanted to know if I was happy with my current salary.”

Experts say recruiters have been multiplying on LinkedIn since 2014, finally reaching ‘critical mass’ this week and driving out other users.

Recruiter Helen Archer said: “I’m a results-focused professional with a track record in linking quality candidates with blue-chip companies. But mainly I put people forward for anything if there’s commission in it.

“LinkedIn being mostly recruiters is a bit of a problem. I suppose we could just endlessly recruit each other but is that a bit weird, like professional incest?

“Wait, where did Julian go?”