LED facemarks, and other dystopian skincare trends capitalism is selling you

NAIVELY believe mere cleansing, toning and moisturising will stop you wrinkling like a hag? Capitalism doesn’t. It needs you to buy into these trends: 

LED face masks

Afterwards your skin will be plumper, younger and acne-free. While wearing it you look like a sci-fi serial killer open to requests. Proven to be 100 per cent effective in scaring the shit out of boyfriends, and recommended by Kourtney Kardashian among other total freaks. But if you don’t buy one it’s your own fault when you age.

Ice rolling

As if waking up wasn’t horrific enough, have you considered aggressively smothering your face with ice? Engineered to simply shock your skin into being that of an 18-year-old trust-fund influencer, these tiny rollers should be in a museum of medieval chastisements used by monks to suffer their way to heaven.

Gua sha stones

Our distant ancestors didn’t have skincare. They just had rocks and bloody amazing skin. And now you too can spend a disturbing amount of money on a fancy rock to rub on your face. Combining massage and brute force in an attempt to rewrite your genetic code with pseudoscience, it’s simpler than a 50-ingredient cream.

Pore vacuums

How can you say you love yourself when you’ve not treated your face like a hallway carpet? Using a mini-vacuum to violently exhume dirt from your pores like it’s the devil’s piss will leave you more violated than gently refreshed, and needing to invest in softening products. Capitalism: f**ks you both ways.

Thermal water

The difference between this and normal water? The price. It costs a shit-ton more, comes from natural springs and contains minerals. As does urine, coincidentally. Comes in a mist form, so you can imagine the lovely rainforest you might have visited if you hadn’t spent all your money on 22 different retinol serums.

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Your break-up and her new cushions equally newsworthy, mum believes

A MOTHER has decided her daughter’s devastating news that her relationship of four years is over and her new cushions deserve equal conservational billing.

Sarah Fisher, aged 29, phoned mother Mary to break the bad news that she and her live-in boyfriend have split to find it was considered on the same level as tough upholstery choices and the daily movements of the cat.

Sarah said: “So yeah, it’s over, I’m going to have to move out and I’m pretty heartbroken actually. I can’t stop crying. And apparently they contrast beautifully with the curtains.

“They’re not matching, because if you match too much you lose the individuality of the room, and they’re chenille but the expensive type that doesn’t shed. I’ve been cheated on and may never trust again, but priorities.

“What news would she consider more important than her own? Redundancy? Becoming quadraplegic? Being trapped in the house with a serial killer? Ah well, next time she’s having a health scare I’ll begin a lengthy narrative about discovering a new type of nut milk.”

Mary said: “It was like Sarah hadn’t heard my news. Children. It’s so hard to engage with them.

“I’d said ‘poor love’. But she barely considered my dilemma about whether a rug in the same colour would overwhelm the pelmets.”