Library computers ‘also used by ancient Sumerians’

THE computers in your local library are so old they were used by ancient Sumerian tribes some 4000 years ago.

Research has confirmed that the NEC MultiSync E201ws PCs in local libraries have also been unearthed at sites in Mesopotamia and at the Euphrates River.

Archaeologist Emma Bradford said, “There is no mistaking them. They are the exact same PCs they had in ancient Mesopotamia.

“You can tell by the fact they only have Internet Explorer on them and they crash when you try to open a Word document.”

Archaeological evidence confirms that the elite Sumerian ‘priest class’ had the PCs for a bit before going back to abacuses because they were less frustrating.

Bradford said: “The Sumerians quickly discovered you can’t do fuck all on them. Apparently the worst time was when they had all their human sacrifice spreadsheets on floppy disks but they got corrupted because of someone putting a magnet near them.”



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Man's 'Only God can judge me' tattoo proved wrong by magistrates' court

A TATTOO claiming ‘Only God can judge me’ has been proved wrong by a district judge.

Tom Booker, from Stevenage, appeared in court charged with a spate of thefts and displaying body art stating that only a Biblical entity could pass judgement upon him.

But Judge Mary Fisher said: “It may well be the case that only some sort of deity responsible for all life on Earth can judge you in the afterlife.

“But in this life, I’m judging you. I’m also sentencing you to four months in prison.”

Booker said: “This is exactly what they did to Tupac. Or similar at least.”

Judge Fisher was surprised to have to say the exact same thing later that day to lap dancer/cocaine dealer Donna Sheridan and car thief Wayne Hayes.

Hayes said: “The judge obviously didn’t read my tattoo properly, because if she had she would have realised I was out of her jurisdiction.”