Man discovers six-foot long fatberg in bathroom mirror

A MAN has discovered a six-foot long fatberg staring back at him in the mirror.

Martin Bishop, 36, came across the the 1.8m long mass of fat, oil, Deliveroos and Mars Bars around 7.45 this morning.

He said: “I came out of the shower put a towel around my waist and there it was right there in the mirror. I swear it wasn’t there before, it just came from nowhere.”

However, unlike other fatbergs, which are caused by the inappropriate disposal of insoluble items down sewage pipes, this one has been caused by Bishop being a lazy fucker who eats  like a human waste disposal unit.

Fatberg expert Tom Booker said “I’ve seen fatbergs of this size before, but not one that could also take part in a pub quiz.”

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Prince Philip gives up fighter pilot's licence

PRINCE Philip has given up his fighter pilot’s licence at the relatively young age of 97.

The decision follows public outcry after Philip crashed his Lockheed Martin F-22 Raptor jet into a pub car park while not wearing a seatbelt.

A Buckingham Palace source said: “He did love flying about in that thing. And being, ‘old school,’ he didn’t like being told how to fly about in it either.

“Obviously, ‘old school’ means ‘mad and arrogant with zero accountability’, but the plane’s missiles had been deactivated apart from the small ones that will only blow up a cow.”

Local landlady, Emma Bradford added: “It’s sad. He was just of that age where he liked to park up his F-22 outside, have a couple of pints in the afternoon and then fly off around tea time.”