Mars Probe Urges Brown To Quit

NASA's latest Martian probe last night landed safely on the red planet and issued an immediate call for Gordon Brown to resign.

The Phoenix Lander touched down shortly before midnight GMT, unfurled its solar panels and urged the prime minister to act in the best interests of the Labour Party and the country.

Tom Logan, of the Nasa Jet Propulsion Laboratory, said: "The soil sample data is telling us that while the case for Martian life is inconclusive, Labour is definitely up shit creek as long is Brown is in charge."

Logan said the probe was asked to send additional evidence and a few seconds later the screens in mission control were filled with a grainy image of former Tory prime minister John Major.

The lander last night insisted it was not a 'stalking horse' and had no ambitions to move into Number 10.

Meanwhile foreign sceretary David Milliband dismissed the resignation call, saying: "It's no secret the Phoenix Lander has never been Gordon's biggest fan.

"But all of us, including the lander, should be getting on with the job and now is not the time for space probes to be calling for a change in leadership."

He added: "Don't I remind you a little bit of Tony Blair?"

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Your Astrological Week Ahead

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)

Does dating seem like more work than it's worth right now? Stay home and masturbate frenziedly instead.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)

Find people with similar interests by joing a local club or hobby organisation. And if there isn't a bestiality society in your area already, set one up yourself!

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)

A great sense of humour is what sets you apart from the competition: you don't have one.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)

Confusion seems to be your middle name today. Tomorrow it will be Aloysius.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)

Use that same drive for success you have at work in your love life. Tell your wife there is no 'I' in threesome.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)

When offering your point of view, make an effort to be more constructive with your criticism. Don't say 'that's fucking shit', say 'that's just not fucking good enough, you tit'.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)

You need to be more direct with that girl on the bus you've got your eye on. No need for dramatic proclamations. Just place her hand on your erection next time she sits next to you. It worked last time.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)

Love is not a fast food restaurant. Real relationships take time to establish, grow and evolve. You should stick to shallow and meaningless sex. It's what you do best.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)

Instead of wishing for that dream job, make it happen. Anything is possible if you sleep with the right people, instead of just everyone!

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)

When it feels like Cupid has left you behind, your optimism could still help you find love. But somehow I doubt it.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Use your skills as a trendsetter in your love life. Anal sex? Why it's the new black darling.