Middle class men to buy their sex robots from John Lewis

MIDDLE class men have decided that when sex robots become widely available they will buy theirs from John Lewis. 

Chartered accountant Tom Logan has weighed up the options and decided the John Lewis sexbot will combine luxury, affordability and discretion.

He said: “My friend Mark buys his electronics from Tesco, which is fine I suppose, but when it comes to sex robots it needs to be very good quality.

“The John Lewis sex robot will be tasteful, available in either mute ivory or dove grey with walnut detailing, and of course it’ll come with a five-year no-nonsense guarantee.”

Dentist Martin Bishop added: “It – she – will come with all the extra functions and speeds that fancy designer models do, but without all the intrusive labels or tacky celebrity voices.

“Yes, she’ll be more expensive than the ones from Ikea and Dixons and I’m sure some middle class men will get a German one from Aldi and claim it’s better and cheaper, but for me it will be worth paying the extra.”

Logan added: “And, of course, if it’s from John Lewis my wife will approve completely.”

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Children holding talks on best way to ruin holiday

BRITISH children have begun talks on how to destroy any sense of peace and relaxation on their family holiday.

Brats from around the UK are deciding how best to bring stress, panic and tedium to the one or two weeks their parents had hoped to be able to unwind.

Nine year old Joseph Turner said: “I’m going to injure myself in a very minor way that still requires a visit to A&E – that’ll be a five-hour round trip from our remote campsite in Cornwall.

“The stress alone will be too much for Mum, not to mention how draining my constant moaning about the injury will be for the whole fortnight. Sweet.”

Five year old Eleanor Shaw added: “I agree with Joseph’s approach, it shows real commitment.

“I’m planning to lose my favourite teddy bear at the airport. I’ll be inconsolable all week, refusing to go into any restaurant, pool or hire car without ‘my little Noo-Noo’.”

Ten year-old Nathan Muir said: “If the wifi in the chalet isn’t perfect I will go absolutely apeshit.”

Shaw added: “Thanks everyone. Good meeting.”