Middle classes using yoghurt as a condiment

MIDDLE class people are using yoghurt as a type of sauce, it has emerged.

Researchers found that rather than simply eating yoghurt as a pudding, many middle class diners simply have a massive pot of plain yoghurt on the dining table and use it as sane people might use ketchup.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “They seem to have yoghurt with absolutely anything.

“Having it with a curry makes a certain amount of sense, but these people are even having a big dollop of yoghurt with sausages.

“It is fucked up.”

Builder Wayne Hayes said: “To me yoghurt means either a Ski Fruits of The Forest or maybe a Muller corner if I’m feeling decadent.

“The key thing is that it has fruit in it and is not mixed with savoury food. I cannot imagine why you would do that.”

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Moron predictably has plan for tougher prisons

A MAN has had the unoriginal idea of making life in prison harsher in ways that would undoubtedly just cause more problems.

Sales manager Roy Hobbs believes violence and drug-taking could be stamped out with sadistic measures he has spent a worrying amount of time fantasising about.

Hobbs said: “There’d be no more fancy meals, just mouldy bread and water every day for years on end. 

“Instead of cushy prison work like sewing mail bags they’d be up at five, running around giant hamster wheels to generate electricity for decent people,with a good flogging if they slow down.

“After 12 hours’ frantic running they’d be allowed to visit the communal toilet pit, have a cold shower and go to sleep locked in a metal box to prevent any nocturnal monkey business.

“They can forget about Playstations and family visits, although well-behaved felons will be allowed to watch Songs of Praise and have a raw onion on Fridays as a treat.”

Friend Tom Logan said: “Roy’s certainly given it plenty of thought. Last night he explained some bizarre idea to let people whip prisoners to raise money for Children in Need.

“The only problem is that every prison in Britain would be on fire 24 hours a day.”