Millions remain uncool despite having smartphones

PEOPLE who own cutting-edge smartphones remain inexplicably pathetic, it has emerged.

As statistics reveal that over a third of UK adults have purchased a phone that does things, some have begun questioning the widely-held belief that ownership of a such a device equates to some form of coolness.

iPhone 4 owner, Julian Cook, said: “I’m fairly sure there was something in the warranty that said I could send it back if women didn’t look at me in a different, more sultry manner.

“At the very least I should have more friends. Slim, toned friends with witty facial hair who sit around in light airy rooms laughing as they bluetooth each other pictures of cats that look like 80s rappers.

“But instead I will spend tonight in a chain pub, on my own, eating gammon.”

Sales manager, Stephen Malley, said: “My level of personal coolness has not increased to match my HTC thing, hence I now own an object that is much more elegant than me and when I use it I feel as self-conscious as a chimp with a viola.

“I’m actually starting to resent, even fear, my phone.

“I won’t leave it alone with my wife in case it fucks her.”

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Insitute for Studies, said: “Our research shows that people would be 87% happier if all technological devices were limited to doing one thing plus having a clock.

“Then it wouldn’t be like you’re constantly having to buy your penis back from Apple.”


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