Mystery avian deaths suggest God playing ‘Angry Birds’
MASS avian deaths indicate God is amusing Himself with a celestial version of compelling iPhone game Angry Birds.
Inspection of the thousands of tiny corpses discovered across America and Europe have revealed rubber band marks, suggesting they have been fired from a giant catapult in the sky.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Angry Birds is a hugely popular iPhone game about some birds whose eggs have been stolen by some pigs even though it is never explained why a bunch of pigs should be interested in eggs.
“What is important is that it’s marginally more addictive than a compound of crack cocaine, strong tobacco and powdered orgasms.
“Inevitably God has cottoned onto this, and has decided to try it for Himself but using the world as His console instead of having to stare at a small greasy screen that melts His retinas.”
He added: “While the notion of the Earth and all its creatures as little more than a 3D entertainment for an idle and impassive Creator may seem the tiniest bit terrifying, we can at least take comfort in God being too inexplicably hooked on this nonsense to do tidal waves and sex plagues for the next few weeks.”
Kentucky farmer Stephen Malley, who discovered several hundred dead starlings on his land, said: “They appeared to have bounced off a large ramshackle structure of planks and giant ice cubes which had mysteriously appeared overnight to surround my pigs.
“The birds had broken their necks without causing any serious damage to the strange building.
“If God is playing Angry Birds he needs to aim lower to weaken the foundations, then launch an exploding blackbird at a steep trajectory, if He doesn’t mind me saying.”