New Apple headphones block out people laughing at you

APPLE’S new AirPods Max headphones are capable of blocking out people laughing at you for paying £549 for them, it has emerged.

The overpriced headphones contain revolutionary new mockery-cancelling technology that is capable of drowning out the hooting of strangers and friends.

AirPods Max wearer Tom Logan said: “At first I thought they looked ridiculous and were a rip-off. For the eye-watering price you could almost afford an iPhone 12.

“But when I slipped them over my ears the cutting remarks of my family simply drifted away. I’ve been waiting years for someone to invent something that could do that.

“I can still see them pointing at me in hysterics with tears rolling down their laughing faces, and thanks to my new lip-reading skills I know my wife’s calling me an early-adopting idiot, so they’re not quite perfect.

“If Apple could just make a device that quietens the voice in my head that says I’m a gullible spendthrift they’d be onto a winner. I’d pay absolutely anything for that.”

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The middle class parent's guide to writing a smug Christmas card

MIDDLE class parents are masters of showing off in passive-aggressive ways. Here’s how to write a self-congratulatory card this Christmas.

Write with a fountain pen

Because biros are for plebs. Nothing screams ‘I’m better than you’ like ink that’s flowed straight from the nib. If it’s a pain because you’re left-handed, take your pretentiousness to another level and hire a professional calligrapher to write the messages for you.

Casually allude to your excellent financial situation

It could be a pay rise or the purchase of a second home. But make it sound insignificant or like a millstone around your neck, eg. ‘It’s really not that much more after tax’, or ‘I suppose now we’ll have to spend a fortune getting the boiler in the cottage fixed, worst luck.’

Mention your children’s impressive academic performance

But don’t say a word about the private tutor who struggled to educate your thick-as-shit spawn. For extra smug points talk about their expensive extracurricular activities. These always sound impressive, and crucially if you’ve got dense kids, they aren’t graded.

Ask questions that make you feel superior

For example: how are things after the divorce? Is Graham still drinking? Do the kids still not talk to you? These are the last things people want to be reminded of at Christmas, so sound concerned and sincere even if you’re just having a good festive gloat.

Post your cards 2nd class

Preferably on Christmas Eve so it arrives late. Not only does this suggest to the recipient that they’re not worth expensive stamps, but it also adds an air of ambiguity as to whether you forgot about them or not. All of which is fine because you went to the trouble of sending them a card.