New CCTV sees the evil in your soul

SURVEILLANCE cameras can now detect whether you are good or evil, it has emerged.

The revolutionary devices show a person’s aura, and categorise them as either Blessed, Melancholy or Accursed, with the latter two groups being rounded up.

A police spokesman said: “The more purple someone looks, the viler they are. Of course no one is pure evil, but if someone’s mostly bad it’s best to stick them in a pen.”

The cameras, which run on a blend of electricity and mistletoe, are calibrated by showing them pictures of dolphins (good) and The Black Eyed Peas (evil).

A high street pilot scheme in Chelmsford saw confirmed bad people herded into a cage outside Boots.

Detained 23-year-old Wayne Hayes said: “I was actually thinking about writing ‘Pig wankers’ on a wall when I was filmed so yes, there appears to be something in it.”

Tennis instructor and confirmed moral citizen Francesca Johnson said: “I always knew I was better than most people round here. It’s nice to have that made official.”

Another test on King’s Road in Chelsea was abandoned due to a complete absence of good people.

 

 

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Universities praised for mediocrity

BRITAIN’S universities are adapting to the half-arsedness of the country, it has been claimed.

UK universities’ continued slide down the international league table has been hailed by business leaders.

Senior bank executive Tom Booker said: “Britain’s culture is one of moderate achievement driven almost entirely by the desire for expensive homeware.

“You want young minds developed to about 51% of capacity. Second gear is about right for desk work.

“The eggheads need to respect that.”

Recruitment consultant Nikki Hollis agreed: “The Olympics were great but also exhausting. If anything, they proved that you can’t sustain being brilliant.

“You’d be knackered all the time.”

Student Stephen Malley said: “My lecturer says I need to focus more on pretending to be busier than I actually am, because that’s how you get promoted.

“I am young and alive and bursting with dreams of adequacy.”