THE winners of the Nobel Prize in Physics have begun a lifetime of trying to explain their work to idiots.
Duncan Haldane, David Thouless and Michael Kosterlitz, who were all born in Britain but left it, hate it and will never return, yesterday admitted that their careers as scientists are essentially over.
Haldane said: “You’re not meant to get it. Nobody gets it. It wouldn’t be cutting-edge physics if you did.
“But today, which I spent presenting a radically dumbed-down analogy of our work to journalists who will get it completely backwards, is a mere taste of the horror to come.
“A lifetime applying advanced mathematics to theoretical physics, and my reward is never speaking to anyone who knows what I’m talking about ever again.
“Instead, I will dedicate my final years to the after-dinner circuit, telling fat businessmen who never got GCSE Maths that what I do is a bit like what they do so they feel superior about driving big cars.
“So what was my big discovery? Jesus. Here we go. Imagine a really massive doughnut.”