Radio Times archives confirm TV was always shit

A NEW website which archives the Radio Times TV listings has confirmed that television has always been a waste of time.

Highlights for BBC1 on this day in 1964 include:

10.30am Open University: The Welsh
Professor Henry Brubaker presents an informative talk on this fascinating and vibrant race of people. To include terrifying photographs.

11.30am Watch With Mother
Muffin the Mule learns that daddy was a donkey, mummy was a horse and why that is horribly wrong.

12pm News
To include a live broadcast of John Lennon pulling a funny face.

12.30pm-4pm CLOSE
Use this time to smoke cigarettes.

4pm Pottery Time
Margaret Chesterton makes an urn for her recently deceased husband’s ashes, but sees no need to make a fuss about it.

5.05pm Crackerjack
With guest Donald MacKinnon, the Norris-Hulse Professor of Divinity at Cambridge University.

6pm News
To include the prime minister’s response to John Lennon pulling a funny face.

8pm The Play for Today: Strawberries for My Lovely Darling
Alfie is a five foot tall petty thief who falls in love with a six foot tall Asian girl. Can they overcome height difference and racialism? Written by David Attenborough.

9pm Friday Night at the Hammersmith Apollo
The weekly variety show featuring a feckless Liverpudlian and a demonstration of how to use a toothbrush.

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Banks unveil next year's bailout

THE UK’s banks have announced their multi-billion pound government bailout for March next year.

The British Bankers’ Association confirmed that six banks will require billions in public funds to stay afloat following disastrous investments and systematic mismanagement.

A spokesman said: “What I think threw a lot of people about the last bailout was how sudden it was, so we thought it would polite to give you a warning.

“The current stock market slide is the beginning of a catastrophic meltdown that will see the economy brought to its knees in six months, so if you could start getting the money together.

“Thanks.”

The timing of the collapse and bailout means that the 2014 bonuses will not be affected.

Helen Archer of Durham said: “I just hope the government’s got enough in the coffers to help out.

“It’s not the banks’ fault they go bust every eight years.”

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