Richard Dawkins devolving

PROFESSOR Richard Dawkins is moving backward on the evolutionary ladder, it has emerged.

The biologist’s increasingly domed brow, protruding jaw and tendency to believe anything he sees on YouTube prove that is he regressing from Homo sapiens towards a more prehistoric form. 

Professor Helen Archer said: “The last time I saw Richard was at a faculty dinner where, after we’d finished our lamb shanks, he seemed to spend an inordinate amount of time puzzling over the bone. 

“But it wasn’t until I saw his tweets about that American kid’s clock thing that I realised his mental capacity had regressed to that of a hominid from the Pliocene epoch.

“The obvious explanation is that he created some kind of chemical compound that reverses evolution then, when refused further funding, decided to prove everybody wrong by testing it on himself. “

Dawkins, painted in red ochre and carrying a flint spear, said: ““Hunt bees for honey. 

“Honey taste good.”

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Time travel ‘only effective hangover cure’

A NEW hangover cure enables sufferers to travel back in time and rethink their drinking decisions.

Chrono-Fix is a pill that transports hangover sufferers back in time, giving them the chance to persuade slightly earlier versions of themselves to take it easy on the booze.

Office worker Tom Logan said: “After waking up feeling like a dizzy alco-husk I went back in time and persuaded me to have a fry-up and a pint of milk to line my stomach before I went out.

“I explained to myself that it was vitally important to just have a maximum of four pints, not attempt to chat up a woman who was clearly uninterested and to get an early night after drinking two large glasses of water.

“But then ‘past time me’ convinced time traveller me to have a couple of Jagerbombs and told everyone in the pub to come and meet someone from the future.

“Now I can’t stop vomiting and I’ve created an alternative timeline where I lost my phone in some shitty club.”