Scientists pledge to eradicate nursery rhymes

SCIENTISTS have made a breakthrough that could see dozens of children’s stories destroyed in a laboratory.

After researchers restored the eyesight of three blind mice, new techniques could also revolutionise reconstructive surgery for egg-shaped men and create a new strain of indestructible weasels.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute For Studies, said: “We now have the technology to cure all the ills featured in nursery rhymes, meaning they can just go to sleep without this pathetic, childish nonsense.

“And if not we have developed Wee Willie Winkie’s Sleep-Tight Strawberry Sugar Syrup.”

Keen to capitalise on the new reality in children’s entertainment the Institute is publishing a series of tales for under fives including Ring a Ring of Inoculations, Mary Had a Little Lamb with E-Coli and Jack and Jill Order a Belfast Sink.

Jackanory will return to the BBC but will now be called Peer Reviewed Research Update and will feature a discussion on the psychopatholgy of the emperor’s visual hallucinations and a devastating report on the dangers of Heidi.

Meanwhile, millions of adult Harry Potter fans have been warned that their embarrassing fantasy world will not be spared, despite serious-looking dust jackets and dinner party discussions about subtexts that are simply not there.

Brubaker said: “Childhood is a magical time of boundless energy where anything is possible and everything is questioned, which is probably what makes them so fucking annoying.

“Have a free copy of Incey Wincey and the Man from Rentokill.”


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Racist cake orders up 2,000 per cent

SPECIALITY bakers across the country are struggling to cope with a record demand for horribly racist cakes.

The ‘blackface’ cake which has caused controversy in Sweden has proved overwhelmingly popular in England, with thousands of orders from police stations, national newspapers and nursing homes.

Baker Francesca Johnson said: “Our elderly customers call them Golliwog cakes. They want to devour one as a last act of politically incorrect defiance before death grabs them by the wrist.

“I’ve hired four new staff and tripled my order of black food colouring and giant cherry lips. We don’t have time to do the fine sculpting on the faces but it turns out the cruder and more offensive the caricature, the more people like it.”

Golf clubs and Women’s Institutes have also placed thousands of orders while the Daily Telegraph has launched a discounted reader offer as part of its campaign to make racial discrimination a bit of harmless fun like it was in the 1970s.

Meanwhile, Prince Philip has told the Buckingham Palace kitchen that if he does not get one at 4pm every afternoon someone is going to turn up dead.

Helen Archer, who ordered a cake in the shape of a dancing Zulu tribesman for her mother’s 85th birthday, said: “She’s forgotten almost everything except her racism so this will bring a huge smile to her demented face.

“The Telegraph wants to do a photo of her stabbing at it with a bayonet.”