Siberian virus not at all like 'The Thing' say weirdly glassy-eyed scientists

AN ANCIENT virus found beneath the Siberian permafrost cannot infect and control humans, according to scientists with odd monotone voices.

Researchers at a remote research base said the virus, which had been dormant in the ice for thousands of years, is not a threat and definitely nothing like the shape-shifting evil in John Carpenter’s horror film The Thing.

Ice station scientist Stephen Malley said: “Do not be concerned. All is well here and will remain well.

“The virus will not harm you or make you a helpless, puppet host organism.

“We are having fun here and doing normal human things.

“We look forward to seeing our families and learning more about their technology.”

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The Mash guide to snake vs crocodile

A BLOW-BY-BLOW account of the reptile battle that has captivated the internet.

The struggle between an anaconda and a crocodile in a Queensland Lake has captured the public’s imagination in a way no story about war or famine ever could.

Experts from the Institute for Studies were on hand to document the brutal majesty of two things that are quite like dinosaurs having a fight.

The approach

The snake is basking in the lake, minding its own business. It seems at peace, like a martial arts master. But here comes a bunch of young male crocodiles, drunk and looking for trouble and teasing the snake for not having any legs. The snake ignores them but they just won’t leave it, these crocodiles have got something to prove.

The grapple

The cockiest crocodile oversteps the line by biting a chunk out of the snake’s arse, or more technically its rear end. The snake immediately coils around it like a massive Slinky spring. The croc’s jaws are pinned shut so it balls its stumpy claws into fists and starts punching the snake which has no effect. Then it starts kicking the snake in the side with its little legs – also ineffective. At this point the crocodile is pretty much fucked.

The swallow

The snake dislocates is massive jaws and swallows the crocodile whole in a disgusting act of gluttony that makes onlooking birds retch. However the size of the crocodile is such that the snake’s skin is stretched absurdly tightly and it looks like a crocodile covered in snakeskin. So the snake does now kind of have legs, an irony which is probably lost on the crocodile as it is slowly but inexorably digested.