THE future comes in all shapes and sizes, and some of those shapes were useless f**king junk enriching Lord Sugar. You fell for this crap:
The Amstrad E-M@iler, 2000
Post Millennium Bug, parents summoned the confidence to dip into this exciting world of email they’d heard so much about. A bulky phone with LCD screen and tiny keyboard, it sat on the hall table and required spinal contortions or kneeling in supplication to use. The emails tapped out had the rhythm and mundanity of shopping lists.
Six-CD changers, 1990s
Not the ones in car boots, which were ridiculous but useful. The home ones with six slots that high houseguests cry at because no matter how many Pete Tong mixes they put on, it plays Leonard Cohen’s Suzanne. Prone to breaking catastrophically with all your CDs in.
A Commodore Amiga packed into a flat black box and launched, crucially, with a TV remote as a controller, games had all the excitement of watching short preloaded videos with long pauses. If you had one, you have never yet found another human who completed The Case of the Cautious Condor.
Smartphones with keyboards, early 2010s
You liked your Blackberry, didn’t you? You’re not sure about these touchscreens, plus iPhone users are twats and you’d rather they weren’t right? So you buy a smartphone with a neat little fold-out keyboard that weighs your pocket down like gold bullion and use the keyboard twice.
Widescreen CRT TVs, late 1990s
For a decade nobody likes to talk about, homes traded in their already massive televisions for even more massive widescreen ones that annexed a quarter of any new-build lounge. Even a team of rockstars couldn’t wrestle one out of a window. Then flat TVs arrived and everyone looked like twats.
Rabbit phones, 1992
The Rabbit was a mobile phone that worked within 330ft of a Rabbit base station, which were thinly scattered around major cities. Since payphones were everywhere and widely used this was no more than a long cord. If you still have a working Rabbit handset it is worth £1.2m. Nah, f**k off, it’s useless.