Six very obvious problems with believing in UFOs

A FORMER US intelligence director has said there are more UFO sightings than people realise. These are the questions you need to ignore to believe in one: 

Why are there never clear, multiple pictures of one?

In the 1950s, sure. But today, if UFOs are physical objects, one flying overhead would result in consistent pictures from hundreds of dashcams, doorbell cameras and smartphones. But no, UFO pictures are still blurry blobs that could be anything, including obvious fakes. What conclusion might a non-moron draw from this?

Why does every UFO account turn out to be dodgy in some way?

Betty and Barney Hill, Travis Walton, Rendlesham Forest – they all have a mundane explanation such as people being a bit strange or a lighthouse in the distance. The latest load of cock is the Tic Tac footage, promoted by respected scientist Tom DeLonge out of Blink 182.

Why are they always mutilating cattle? 

By any measure aliens are travelling a unimaginable distance to f**k up our livestock. Instead of making the journey from Zeta Reticuli, why not just take some cows and breed them? Hey presto, a limitless supply of cows to dissect in laboratory conditions. The current policy is like doing your big shop one item per trip from Penzance Lidl.

And why anal probes? 

What is the fascination with anuses? And why not slake your thirst for bumhole knowledge by just abducting a proctologist? Anuses aren’t exactly an undiscovered mystery. Though, like cattle, they are an enduring preoccupation of bored people in rural areas.

What’s the aliens’ game plan?

To get here, aliens must have access to Einsteinian physics-bending technology and vast energy sources, so the conquest of Earth would be like kicking over a sandcastle. Or if they mean no harm, why not just land and say so? All of which suggests they could just be tourists who decide they don’t like it, and go home early, like visiting Llandudno.

Why do aliens always resemble TV aliens?

Betty and Barney Hill’s aliens looked like the ones from The Outer Limits. There was a wave of Grey-spotting after that obscure programme nobody’s has heard of, The X-Files. Just hope the next ones aren’t something shit off Doctor Who like the Judoon.

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Why Boris is right to cut 10,000 troops but Keir Starmer wouldn't be

by Conservative and Brexit voter, Roy Hobbs

AS A poppy-wearing patriot, you’d think I’d be furious about Boris cutting 10,000 soldiers. But it’s fine, though if Keir Starmer did the same it’d be treason. Here’s why: 

Boris understands the fighting man

This is nothing to do with me voting Boris because I believe he’ll get rid of immigrants. No, I reckon that an Eton pupil and Telegraph journalist like Boris fully understands what it’s like on the frontlines with bullets whizzing over your head. He’s tough and battle-hardened, like my other political idol, septugenarian realtor Donald Trump.

Starmer’s shown no interest in using a Bren gun 

I’ve never seen Sir Keir posing with a WW2 Bren light machine gun. Boris definitely would even if he hasn’t yet, and I imagine he’d storm up the Normandy beaches like when he knocked over that small child in a supposedly fun game of rugby.

Boris knows modern soldiers aren’t hard enough

I don’t just change my opinions to suit my existing prejudices, but a lot of soldiers are young, and the young are weak-minded fools obsessed with their mental health. They’re hardly going to be parachuting behind enemy lines to decapitate the Dutch government, are they? Which we should be within the year.

Starmer wants to leave Britain defenceless

He’d sack our brave fighting men, send the rest on an exercise in Wales and invite the mighty armies of the EU to invade our shores. Within no time they’d reverse Brexit and make us spend the Euro. That’s not a world I want to live in.

Boris knows 10,000 soldiers isn’t that many 

As a great military mind like Rommel, Boris understands that 10,000 soldiers is nothing to our army, which I imagine is at least four million highly-trained men. He agrees with me that we should focus on cyber-warfare because we’ve both read the latest Tom Clancy, Code Red: Algorithm Attack.

Starmer looks a bit gay

With his poncey slicked-back hair and prissy manner, Starmer comes across as a bit gay to me. He’s not a military type, and wouldn’t fit in in the army where the only deviant behaviour is honest good fun like sticking the ball socket of a mortar up someone’s arse.