Monday, 19th April 2021

Six very obvious problems with believing in UFOs

A FORMER US intelligence director has said there are more UFO sightings than people realise. These are the questions you need to ignore to believe in one: 

Why are there never clear, multiple pictures of one?

In the 1950s, sure. But today, if UFOs are physical objects, one flying overhead would result in consistent pictures from hundreds of dashcams, doorbell cameras and smartphones. But no, UFO pictures are still blurry blobs that could be anything, including obvious fakes. What conclusion might a non-moron draw from this?

Why does every UFO account turn out to be dodgy in some way?

Betty and Barney Hill, Travis Walton, Rendlesham Forest – they all have a mundane explanation such as people being a bit strange or a lighthouse in the distance. The latest load of cock is the Tic Tac footage, promoted by respected scientist Tom DeLonge out of Blink 182.

Why are they always mutilating cattle? 

By any measure aliens are travelling a unimaginable distance to f**k up our livestock. Instead of making the journey from Zeta Reticuli, why not just take some cows and breed them? Hey presto, a limitless supply of cows to dissect in laboratory conditions. The current policy is like doing your big shop one item per trip from Penzance Lidl.

And why anal probes? 

What is the fascination with anuses? And why not slake your thirst for bumhole knowledge by just abducting a proctologist? Anuses aren’t exactly an undiscovered mystery. Though, like cattle, they are an enduring preoccupation of bored people in rural areas.

What’s the aliens’ game plan?

To get here, aliens must have access to Einsteinian physics-bending technology and vast energy sources, so the conquest of Earth would be like kicking over a sandcastle. Or if they mean no harm, why not just land and say so? All of which suggests they could just be tourists who decide they don’t like it, and go home early, like visiting Llandudno.

Why do aliens always resemble TV aliens?

Betty and Barney Hill’s aliens looked like the ones from The Outer Limits. There was a wave of Grey-spotting after that obscure programme nobody’s has heard of, The X-Files. Just hope the next ones aren’t something shit off Doctor Who like the Judoon.