South East finally being wiped clean by the wrath of God

LIKE the ancient Egyptian city of Tanis, the south east of England is, at last, being wiped clean by the wrath of God.

Saharan sand is sweeping across Britain’s greediest and most materialistic region, erasing its temples of avarice and sending a stark warning to all those who would worship at the altar of Mammon.

Dr Marcus Brody, an expert in Biblical weather, said: “Like the sandstorm that consumed Tanis, it will probably last a whole year and will destroy much of London as well as Colchester, Basildon and, of course, Peterborough, the final resting place of the Ark of the Covenant.

“By caring for nothing but money and objects, the south east – and its pharaoh, Boris Johnson – have tested the patience of the Great Jaweh, or ‘Jehovah’.

“Now He is cleansing them with an abrasive substance that will reach into every corner of their souls leaving them as hollow, crumbling shells, staring forever at their greed and folly.

“So you should probably stay indoors today.”


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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You have one of those “This dog lives here” signs in your front window. Not because it’s vicious, more as a warning that your house stinks.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Flying over a desert island this week, you see that somebody has spelled out the name of their favourit Beatles album in pebbles on the beach.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
If you need telling not to vote on a repeat of a reality TV show, maybe its a good idea you don’t vote generally.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Visiting our nan, she’s always full of stories of the good old days, like when half of Herman’s Hermits pulled a train on her.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
A bad day at the park on Saturday as your try recreating the Diet Coke ad, but the can explodes in the lawnmower blades giving the hunky gardener aluminium shrapnel in his face.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP) 
At your snooker match on Friday you manage to sink seven reds and six pinks before asking the barman whether he has any white wine.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Why not make the mock-up living rooms in IKEA look more realistic by sitting in one with your boyfriend idly browsing for clothes on eBay for six hours, not saying a word to each other?

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
With the onset of warmer weather, try not to wear socks and sandals. But if you insist, try wearing the sandals over the socks.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You’re beginning to regret installing that suggestion box as this is the third time this month you’ve had to call the fire brigade to help somebody remove their dick from it.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Well I would walk five hundred miles, and I would walk five hundred more, because it would probably be more efficient than using Southern Rail.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
When opportunity comes calling on Monday, grab it with both hands. But if the TV license people come calling, hide behind the sofa until they’re gone.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Thursday, 615pm. I can’t say what, exactly, but that’s when it’ll happen.