Weather breakthrough prompts idiot to bang on about chaos theory

LONG-RANGE weather forecasting is impossible because of the chaos theory, according to office worker Tom Logan. 

Reports of a breakthrough in predicting weather have been met with cynicism by 39-year-old Logan, who knows all about science because he watched a Channel 4 programme in the 90s about butterflies flapping their wings.

He said: “Haven’t these people even heard of the chaos theory? It’s all about fractal patterns like you used to get at raves.

“There was a book about in too, probably called ‘The Chaos Theory’ or maybe ‘Theory of Chaos’.

“Anyway it explains why you can’t predict the weather. It is folly to try.”

Logan’s line manager Emma Bradford said: “I predict with 100% accuracy that he will get sacked unless he shuts up and does some work.”

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Rural areas only allowed 1990s internet

PEOPLE living in rural areas can only have the internet of 1999, the government has announced.

Remote regions will be limited to dial-up modems and the choice of Freeserve or AOL in a bid to stop residents suffering severe future-shock.

The communications minister said: “We simply cannot give a crofter in the Western Highlands access to today’s internet of memes, Reddit and streaming video without the risk of brain detonation.

“”These are gentle, sheltered people who need a good 15-20 seconds to contemplate one horizontal slice of a naked woman before the next one is revealed.

“They need to build immunity by browsing an Angelfire webring through Netscape, perhaps hosting their own page on GeoCities with a hit counter at the bottom, before they’’re ready for even MySpace.”

Donna Sheridan of Let Farmers Online said: “”The way these people have been treated is inhuman.

“”To see them pathetically arguing about whether AltaVista or AskJeeves is the best search engine, or spend hours watching a single Metallica song download from Napster, would make anyone weep.

““Let them out of the chatrooms, out of the pink fonts and flashing text that are their sole means of artistic expression, and into our brave new world.””

Sheep farmer Bill McKay of Powys said: “”If there is anything more entertaining in the world than Hampsterdance.com, I don’t want to know about it.”