How I Met Your Mother probably ended as it must have begun, with sodomy and Nazis

US sitcom How I Met Your Mother last night would have ended as it probably began – with gratuitous anal sex and fascism.
After nine seasons the show revealed how the hero Ted Mosby met his children’s mother before almost certainly reverting to yet another orgy scene where everyone is dressed in SS uniforms.

Martin Bishop, from Peterborough, said: “I never actually watched it so, like everyone else, I assumed its otherwise inexplicable longevity must have been based on sex and Nazis – the two key components of successful television programmes.

“I would be very surprised if How I Met Your Mother had just been year after year of manipulative, sentimental rom-com. Why would anyone keep watching that?

“So no, it was clearly a Nazi fuck-fest and should be remembered as such. Well done to all involved.”

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Osborne to get everyone a fancy job

GEORGE Osborne is to use his school and family connections to get everyone into easy, well-paid work.

The chancellor promised to achieve full and cushy employment by calling in personal favours from business leaders with whom he once shared a public school dormitory.

Osborne said: “Last night on the news I saw a steelworker from Newcastle who hadn’t worked since 1996. I put in a call to a journalist friend of mine and now he’s weddings editor at Tatler.

“If I open up my contacts book, before long all Britain’s jobseekers will be gainfully employed as Conservative Party researchers, Spectator columnists and PRs for upmarket fashion websites.”

Former bricklayer Roy Hobbs said: “I was watching TV when Michael Gove rang and asked if I’d like to be a special advisor at the Department for Education.

“I’m on £60k and all I have to do is say ‘Latin for 4-year-olds’ then everybody nods furiously.”

However the chancellor’s plan met a setback when his father refused to employ anyone at his luxury wallpaper factory, on the grounds that they might ‘be as fucking useless as George’.