Telepathy ‘would be total nightmare’

TELEPATHY would be a huge step forward in human evolution and also an absolute nightmare, scientists have confirmed.

Following experiments which proved communicating by thought was possible, scientists warned of a coming dystopia of grotesque embarrassment.

Neuroscientist Dr Donna Sheridan said: “You go into work claiming you’ve had a quiet weekend while your mind tells everyone Saturday night involved knocking back a full bottle of Listerine.

“And while you lie to your boss, he’s inadvertently sending mental images of his Sunday dogging with obese tattooed couples in a Swindon car park.

“Every encounter with other humans would immerse us in a soup of vile, alien and simply tedious thoughts about everything from retraining as a graphic designer to the music of David Soul.”

Scientists have also cancelled research into contacting the dead, claiming it would be like talking to their great-grandparents times a million.


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Swapping Piers Morgan for James Corden 'like act of violence', says America

AMERICANS have begged England to stop sending them smug, fat-faced English television presenters.

Viewers who had returned to their televisions after Piers Morgan was sacked, say James Corden’s late-night chat show is like being shot in the leg.

Wayne Hayes, of Phoenix, Arizona, said: “The wobbling jowls, the crooked teeth, that indefinable but repugnant smugness. I dared to believe it was over.

“They told us Morgan was loved in his native land, which turned out to be an exact inversion of the truth, and now you’re doing it again?

“If I’m going to watch pale, sweaty, giant-faced men I would like those men to be Americans.”

Following the appointment of Corden, the CBS network is set to replace talk show host David Letterman with West Ham manager Sam Allardyce.