UK to beat science skills shortage with low-tech economy

A SHORTAGE of science skills in the UK is to be tackled by a return to more basic technology.

Marionettes are captivating

New workforce data shows Britain is experiencing a scientist drought, mainly as a result of boys wanting to do degree courses with some girls on them.

The government plans to address the issue by abandoning modern technology in favour of simpler, nostalgic devices like dynamo-powered bike lights and little tin boats powered by baking soda.

Science Minister David Willetts said: “There’s no reason why Britain can’t lead the world backwards towards steam engines, mangles and eventually re-discovering the wheel.”

A low-technology pilot scheme in Swindon has proven popular, with local people queuing for hours to watch a demonstration of an electro-magnet picking up some paperclips.

Willetts said: “Very few people know how to design an LCD TV, but more or less anyone can build their own crude puppet theatre.

“In the Britain of the future, families will perform their own DIY versions of Eastenders, with the clothes peg characters and the Queen Vic represented by a dishcloth.”

Swindon resident Stephen Malley said: “The new old technology is great, although I did have to take my son’s zoetrope off him after I caught him wanking over a rotating cardboard strip containing pictures of can-can girls.”

His teenage daughter, Nikki, said: “I miss texting, but I’ve already learned how to transmit ‘Kelly Jones is a massive slag’ in Morse code.”

The low-tech economy is already creating jobs as work begins on Britain’s new fleet of ironclad warships, armed with a deadly array of cannons and muskets.