Twilight crisis triggers emergency UN meeting

MEMBERS of the United Nations met last night to discuss the crisis threatening to engulf the Twilight saga.

Allegations of an affair between Kristen Stewart and a film director have left the world’s political leaders reeling.

UN chief Ban Ki-Moon said: “It’s not just that a love has died, but more like the entire concept of love has been destroyed.

“Obviously our thoughts are with R-Patz but what we need to understand is how it might affect Twilight as a whole, to look at the overall Twilight mythos. Will it make it somehow less good, if they’re not together in real life?”

“We cannot rule out the possibility of direct intervention, whether it’s just taking them out for a drink or even welding their hands together so they physically cannot be parted. To my fellow UN members, I would like to say that obviously we are all Twi-hards here, but we must not let fandom colour our response.”

British Prime Minister David Cameron said: “The important thing is not to panic. The two-part film of the final instalment in the saga, Breaking Dawn, is already in the can.

“But that doesn’t mean there couldn’t be another film if this one does well. I certainly will never tire of Edward and Bella’s tortured supernatural romance, however many they decide to do.”

But German leader Angela Merkel said: “No one even likes Twilight any more, it’s all about Hunger Games now. Hunger Games is better.”

Ban Ki-Moon responded angrily, saying: “No it isn’t. Hunger Games is boring.”

 

 

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Border staff to deliver world class surliness

INJUNCTION proceedings forcing border staff into work on Thursday will ensure the gruffest possible welcome for Olympic tourists, it has been claimed.

Government intervention to prevent pre-Olympics strike action will create barely-concealed rage among border workers, providing the perfect introduction to London’s volatile streets.

Travelologist Wayne Hayes said: “Every nation’s immigration workers are intensely moody, as befits anyone whose job is to deal with the general public in ‘holiday mode’.

“But this could be a perfect storm of thwarted industrial action that propels Britain’s border guards into the big league of global intimidatingness, even compared to those nations where they carry sub-machine guns. It will be a kind of perverse status symbol for the UK, much like the Olympics themselves.”

Passport checker Emma Bradford said: “If this strike is thwarted, rest assured I will show levels of resentful funk normally reserved for teenage boys forced to visit a museum with their parents on a Bank Holiday weekend.

“People’s ornamental bottles of foreign liqueur will be literally thrown across the terminal.”

Crates of rubber gloves have been ordered by staff at Heathrow and Gatwick as the number of entirely unnecessary cavity searches is expected to skyrocket.

Anybody with a return ticket of less than five days will be told to plan their sightseeing around the airport’s Tie Rack.