Virgin Media temporarily working again for thousands

BROADBAND provider Virgin Media has briefly come back to life for thousands of customers who do not believe for a moment it will last.

After plunging customers into the usual pit of internet-free despair yesterday, Virgin Media has briefly flickered back to life in an uncharacteristic resumption of its service that is unlikely to survive the day.

Virgin Media subscriber Jack Browne said: “When the hub lit up I assumed it was a malfunction. And in a way it was.

“There it was, the internet, and not only that I could connect to it and browse websites. It sounds like the basic requirement of an internet provider, but when you’re with Virgin Media you take nothing for granted.

“I went through the world wide web like it was a supermarket trolley dash. A scan of the news sites, a pop into social media for a swift doomscroll, failing to get Wordle, and finishing off with a quick look into PormnHub. It was delightful.

“Just as I thought well, I should observe form and tweet a complaint about the outages to Virgin, the whole thing died again. Back to normal. But for those brief moments I felt so alive.”

A Virgin Media spokesperson said: “We extend our deepest apologies to everyone who is experiencing internet connectivity today. We’re working hard to restore the patchy, frustrating service you have come to expect from us.”

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'When she saw me in lizard form she was horrified', broken-hearted Murdoch confesses

BROKEN-HEARTED bachelor Rupert Murdoch has been dumped. Here he talks us through how true love ended so soon. 

I should have listened to what my father told me. Not ‘screw all the bastards, I’d screw over the whole world forever if I could.’ I listened to that.

But ‘son, you never know how a woman really feels until you’ve shed your human form’ which turned out to be just as true. And I don’t mind me saying it’s left me pretty bloody hurt.

I really trusted Ann. So I took her up to my private vivarium, and I said ‘Honey, there’s something you should know about me. Something… wonderful.’

Eagerly awaiting her reaction, I took my scalp in both hands, tore down the hidden seam, and revealed my true reptile self. ‘Babe,’ I said, ‘I’m a hyperintelligent Illuminati lizard whose ancestors migrated to this world from Sirius 13,700 years ago.’

And what happened? She screamed. She backed away. She said, and these words will scar me forever, ‘bad enough that you’re the evil media bastard who’s driven the world to ruin, but a f**king lizard?’

Wendi never said that. She much preferred me in lizard form. Jerry was fine with it, obviously, because Mick was one. I guess I’d forgotten that people can be so horribly, irrationally prejudiced.

And now I find myself alone again, mateless, with only another 170 years until the Great Spawning. So find compassion in your heart, because under it all Rupe’s just like you.