We’re entitled to one fatberg per child, say parents using wet wipes

PARENTS challenged on their wet wipe use have argued that surely they are allowed to produce at least one fatberg for every child. 

After Therese Coffey announced a ban on plastic wet wipes from 2024, families are concerned that raising a child will become impossible just because of a few minor sewer-blocking fatbergs.

Mother-of-three Helen Archer, aged 35, said: “Have you ever met a child? All they do is piss, shit, vomit and knock stuff over.

“Without wet wipes, every family home will be flooding bodily fluids and Ribena onto the streets. It’ll be a breeding ground for new plagues with sickly top notes of blackcurrant.

“They say they’re just banning the ones with plastic in, but we all know how that works. First they came for my Asda own-brand 700 unscented wipes, and I didn’t speak out.

“What’s wrong with fatbergs, anyway? Can’t we tow them to Antarctica and let polar bears live on them? Where’s the commitment to recycling when it would help hard-working families?”

Asked if she would go down a sewer and break up a fatberg in exchange for keeping wet wipes, Archer said: “Christ, no. If it went that far I’d just use a wet cloth.”

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What is arraignment, and how do I give mind-blowing oral? Stormy Daniels answers your legal and sexual questions

CONFUSED by what Trump’s court appearance means, and by how to best perform fellatio? Stormy Daniels answers your questions about the US legal system and sex:

What is arraignment?

The formal reading of the charges, in which different jurisdictions may or may not require a plea to be submitted. Really it’s just preliminary court procedure.

How do I give amazing blowjobs?

People make too much of technique. Enthusiasm is key, and eye-contact is always a turn-on. Also I always feel moving your mouth away at the last minute is cheating.

Can Trump still run for president?

Yes. Being a convicted felon is no bar. The only qualifications are that you must be 35, resident for 14 years and born in America. Are you actually interested? Trump’s over, while I’m a three-time winner of the Favourite Breasts award.

What’s the best position for deep penetration?

That’s better. As a woman, I find reverse cowgirl really stimulates the G-spot. You can’t see your partner, but that can be an advantage if he’s a distracting shade of Oompa Loompa orange.

Could the court case actually help Trump if he runs for president?

This is outside my expertise, but supposedly being hounded by the liberal establishment plays well with the conspiratorial alt-right mindset, though it could deter more traditional conservatives. Trump’s already got all the QAnon types on board so for me he can only lose from this. Can we get back to f**king now?

Did Trump ask you to do a ‘piss tape’?

No. The fabled piss tape likely does not even exist, and I’d have said no. However I would recommend watching porn with your partner to get you in the mood. I’d suggest my own moving tribute to our Gulf War veterans, Operation Desert Stormy. It’s a film with everything – adventure, comedy, anal.

Will Trump be handcuffed?

No. His defence have done a deal and he doesn’t pose an escape risk. He looked pretty winded after forgettable missionary, so I can’t see him sprinting through the streets of New York.

Speaking of which, how can I improve my ‘staying power’ in bed?

Male co-stars tell me the technique of thinking about something off-putting does work. Visualise doing your tax returns, cleaning the cat’s litter tray or Trump having sex. I’ve been there, and it could cure every case of premature ejaculation.

Could Trump go to prison?

In theory, yes. Although categorised as a low-level felony, falsifying business records can carry a sentence of up to four years.

Have you done any films set in prison?

Predictably, yes. Check out Predator III where I get down to some hot girl-on-girl prison action with Kylie Ireland. Trump won’t be in a women’s prison full of implausibly hot inmates. He’ll be in a real men’s prison. He’s unlikely to be targeted sexually in the showers but his hair will be ruthlessly mocked.