The six best period features for really wanking on about at a dinner party

WANT to be the smuggest arsehole round the table? Wax lyrical about features that happened to come with your house as if they were personal achievements, like these:

Exposed beams

Seeing the structure of your house visibly at work is frowned upon unless it’s really old. Beloved by estate agents, these brown blocks hang so low they’ll give your taller guests concussion. When describing them, say the word ‘character’ incessantly until it loses all meaning.

Weird rooms like pantries

Your friend’s houses might have normal, functional rooms like bedrooms and living rooms, but that can’t compare to your 17th century parlour or creepy priest hole. Annoy your dinner guests by acting like you’re special because you’ve got a cupboard for cereal that you can physically walk into.

Crown moulding

No one with a new house knows what this is, so don’t be shy about boring them to death by explaining. The corners of your ceiling being all curled and fancy due to some extravagant Victorian wanting to show off is highly desirable, despite your guests’ snide remarks about how difficult it must be to clean.

Wooden floors

Subtly brag about how much money you can afford to blow on heating by explaining how you pulled up a cosy carpet to find the original floorboards beneath. Then bang on about how long it took to restore them, but miss out the bit where you did f**k all apart from pay a bloke you found on Facebook to do the hard, messy job for you.

A f**k off massive fireplace

Your friends think they’re special because they’ve just had a wood burner installed, but their minds are blown when they see the huge, ornate fireplace in your new living room. Not because they can actually stand up inside it, but because you have to burn a small forest just to heat the metre or so of space directly in front of it.

Sash windows

Why would anyone choose the convenience of a lightweight plastic window when they could dislocate a shoulder heaving these antiquated lumps of wood up and down? Explain how you couldn’t possibly have ruined the charm of the property by installing uPVC ones, but don’t mention the fact that the sashes are horribly draughty and rattle like f**k in the slightest breath of wind.

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Commuter deeply resentful of minor interruption to his miserable routine

A COMMUTER who had to briefly break from his unvaried robotic morning routine to help a stranger is still furious about it.

Martin Bishop was heading to his usual spot on platform ten of Reading station to arrive at precisely 7.42am when a stranger stepped into his path and demanded information he does not customarily give.

He said: “I feel like I’ve been mugged.

“This woman, who definitely isn’t one of the regulars to Paddington or I’d recognise her from years of avoiding eye contact, just starts speaking to me as if that’s okay.

“I had to remove my earbuds then gesture for her to repeat her question while gazing fixedly on the floor, and then tell her which platform it was for Bristol. As if not having a 3D mental map of this entire station due to the hours spent here was somehow normal.

“Then I had to keep nodding while she thanked me, and by the time she’d finished I was three minutes behind on my podcast and Canada Goose coat man had taken my spot exactly where the doors open and, you guessed it, subsequently seat C39. Day ruined.

“The whole upset shattered my composure. I’ll suffer intrusive thoughts about the crushing misery of my monotonous life all day now.”