The shit boyfriend's guide to what makes a woman seem needy

WOMEN are high maintenance creatures compared to me, a chilled out boyfriend. Here are five things they do that are especially needy.

Messaging me

I’m not talking about a constant barrage of witty chat, amusing life updates and sexy selfies. It goes without saying that such behaviour is clingy and off putting. No, even two or three messages like ‘u ok?’ and ‘want to meet up?’ spread throughout the course of a day is excessive. A chilled girlfriend would message me as often as my closest bro: once every six months.

Taking photos together

God, is there anything more suffocating than a girlfriend putting her arm around you and taking a selfie on her phone? Tell me I’m wrong, fellas! The only time partners should get photographed together is on their wedding day, and even then they should appear stony-faced and stand a few feet apart. It might be the happiest day of your life, but don’t get carried away.

Asking how my day’s been

The last thing I want after spending a long hard day grafting is to come home to a loving girlfriend taking an interest in my life. Why can’t women learn to be cool and leave me alone in the garage until it’s time to go to sleep? I’m not totally unreasonable, if they want to briefly pop in and quietly hand me a steak, I’m willing to compromise.

Wanting to spend time together

After you’ve matched on a dating app, been on a couple of dates and banged, there’s really no need to meet up more than twice a month. Otherwise you might run out of things to talk about. And I’ve got an incredibly busy life what with spending five hours a night playing Call of Duty with strangers online, so I’ve got to guard my time carefully.

Saying ‘I love you’

Ugh, pass the sick bucket! Just because love is supposed to be the foundation of a romantic relationship doesn’t mean you should actually say it out loud. At least that’s what I’ve inferred from my parents. Instead, girlfriends should express their feelings via less cloying means, such as a cheeky wink or a pat on the head. Or a blowjob on your birthday.

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What year the country started going to the dogs, according to your older relatives

OLD people love bleating on about how the country’s gone to the dogs. But which year do they think it started?

1960: National Service ends

‘Kids today don’t know they’re born. National Service made me the man I am,’ Grandpa George says proudly. The way he tells it, he played a crucial role in the Suez Crisis. In fact, he spent his National Service selling stolen military supplies down the pub.

1979: Thatcher begins privatisation

British Aerospace was first to be sold by Thatcher, then anything that wasn’t nailed down was up for grabs. Auntie Mary, who smashed a window in the Poll Tax Riots, still rants about ‘that evil bitch Thatcher’. Weirdly, though, she doesn’t like being reminded that she bought her council house for £8,700 in 1981 and sold it for £320,000 last year.

1982: Boy George appears on Top of the Pops

Uncle Arthur has enthusiastically joined the crusade against wokeness, despite not really knowing what the word means. What he does know, though, is that this country started going downhill the moment Boy George appeared on Top of the Pops wearing makeup and he’s been furious about it ever since.

1991: Biro lids get holes

‘It’s health and safety gone mad’, says Nanna Margaret. ‘One or two kids can’t breathe and the manufacturers immediately pander to them. Why should the rest of us have to put up with holes in our pen lids because some kids try to eat them? Let them choke, I say.’

2005: Ban on hunting with hounds

What’s the world coming to when you can’t go out and kill animals for fun? At least that’s what your posh Uncle Oliver reasons. It’s all the fault of those meddling animal rights do-gooders. You’re hoping he’ll leave you some money in his will so you nod enthusiastically in agreement, despite being a vegan for ethical reasons.

2007: Ban on smoking indoors

Auntie Carole’s still bitter about the ban on smoking in public buildings, especially pubs. ‘The atmosphere’s not the same anymore,’ she moans. You don’t see much of Carole as she smokes 20 a day and her house stinks of stale smoke and ashtrays. Kind of like how pubs used to be pre-2007.

2015: No more Page 3 Girls

Your Grandfather Ted says the country’s gone to pot since The Sun stopped printing pictures of topless women. If he understood computers he’d be on Pornhub daily, but he can barely work the TV remote so he has to make do with leering at women out of his front window.

2016: Brexit vote

Your Remoaner Uncle Terry is still banging on about how the country’s gone to the dogs since Brexit and everything is now irretrievably f**ked. Sadly he’s right.