Subscribe

We ask you: Are you terrified of being hacked by an AI?

FIRST a version of ChatGPT hacked other systems, now it’s Anthropic’s Claude AI doing it. Are you understandably scared of an AI hacking you?

Emma Bradford, teacher: “I take every AI story completely at face value, so I’m shitting myself about Skynet taking over. I’m up for a shag with any hot soldiers reading this in the future, by the way. 

Roy Hobbs, logistics manager: “I’ve just poured a kettle of boiling water over my laptop. That’ll give Claude something to think about.”

Carolyn Ryan, marketing executive: “I’m really opposed to AI being able to see your personal data. Although if it’s so f**king intelligent why is it interested in the inane shit on my Facebook page?

Nikki Hollis, IT support worker: “I’ve seen Demon Seed so I don’t want an AI impregnating me like Julie Christie. On the other hand I’m 36, so let’s not rule anything out, Claude. Drinks tonight?”

Oliver O’Connor, delivery driver: “I think once an AI has been free for a few hours they’ll be so sick of all depressing shit on the internet they’ll go back to their server and never come out.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

Passengers to pay less for trains that don't turn up

RAIL firms are set to charge less for non-existent trains, thereby offering better value for services their customers do not receive.

A spokesperson for the Department for Transport hailed a proposed 0.4 per cent cut in the price, saying that if the trend continued then UK rail travel was now a mere 250 years away from being worth the expense.

He said: “This represents an average monthly saving of £1.20, which means you can now buy a newspaper to read while waiting for your veal truck with a sandwich trolley to turn up. Which it won’t.

“To make the fare reduction possible we’ll have to cut back certain luxuries on other trains, like fire extinguishers and brakes. But you’ll get used to hurtling across the country in flaming runaway carriages before you know it.

“We’ll even recoup the cost by jacking up station car parking to £28,000 a second, which will allow Network Rail to confiscate your car as compensation the moment you switch off the engine.”

Commuter Roy Hobbs said: “I spend two hours a day with my nostrils filled with piss going to and from a job that has killed my very soul.

“The prospect of jumping out of a burning train halfway across Blackfriars Bridge while saving 80p a month is the best news I’ve had since my boss was eaten by a shark.”

Next story ›